April Fools

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Luddite Mac

10 Reasons to Use a Typewriter

Beverly Woods - 2002.04.01

I’ve been thinking about this for a while now, and I’ve come to the conclusion that Macs are contributing to the moral decay of America.

Luddite Mac10 Reasons to Use a Typewriter

Beverly Woods – 2002.04.01

I’ve been thinking about this for a while now, and I’ve come to the conclusion that Macs are contributing to the moral decay of America.

This nation was founded on the Protestant work ethic. (No, that’s not the one where you protest that you have to work.) The idea is that virtuous effort – work – improves your moral character. Having fun should be reserved for a reward after hard work.

Therefore it follows that computers that are used to produce one’s work should be appropriately arduous to deal with. If you are having fun, you are not working! You are not improving your moral character! And Mr. Calvin would be very disappointed in you if he hadn’t passed on centuries ago.

Macs are too much fun to be good for you to use. I therefore present:

10 Reasons to Use a Typewriter

  1. No automatic spell checking to interfere with your creativity.
  2. Improve your mental skills: Being able to alter work too easily makes you lazy.
  3. The louder typewriter keyboard improves office productivity by keeping coworkers from drifting off to sleep.
  4. Get in touch with your inner typist, doing things the good old way your ancestors did them.
  5. No tiresome screen to look at.
  6. The finished product must be physically transported to its destination, providing jobs for messengers and postal employees.
  7. How else are you going to use up the carbon paper in that bottom drawer?
  8. You do not have to buy more RAM or a bigger hard drive for the typewriter.
  9. Tech support, when needed, is generally simpler.
  10. The ailing Wite-Out industry will thank you.

Benchmark tests of relative character building effects will be available as soon as we figure out how to measure them. Meantime, typewriters have a very straightforward operating system, and any problem can be credibly blamed on the user.

With so many benefits, I’m sure this is the wave of the future.

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