The Lite Side

Apple Sends Cease and Desist to Itself

- 2002.08.08

VIA FEDERAL SUPPRESS AND EMAIL

RE: Notice of Infringement

Dear Steven Jobs:

We represent Apple Computer, Inc. ("Apple") with respect to its intellectual property matters. As you may know, Apple is the owner of numerous intellectual property rights in connection with the manufacture, advertisement, sale, and distribution of its computers and software products, including the Apple trademarks and the content of the Apple website found at http://www.apple.com.

It has come to our attention that you are taking actions that infringe upon Apple's intellectual property rights through your marketing division. Specifically, it appears that you have made several direct attempts to destroy Apple's good will from its customer and fan base by unfairly targeting early adopters and regular supporters for increased revenue.

Additionally, your actions are likely to tarnish the good will associated with Apple and its trademarks by adopting pricing policies which alienate our unpaid, volunteer support groups. Apple has spent considerable efforts developing the good will associated with its trademarks and considers its trademarks valuable company assets. Apple believes that your actions are likely to tarnish the good will associated with its trademarks and products.

Consequently, we request that you immediately cease and desist from adopting the previously described pricing and product implementation strategies and instead implement the following:

  1. Early adopters of unproven technology, including OS X 10.1.5 and lower, should be given consideration in the pricing structure for the next release. This is referred to as a "discount," a term with which you are apparently unable to connect to your operating system products.
  2. Early adopters of Apple web services, in consideration for their assistance in debugging and perfecting the system, as well as their support of your company through the use of email and web site addresses containing the term ".mac," should be given the option to continue with free services or upgrading to the enhanced service heretofore referred to as "dot-Mac."
  3. Immediately establish a group of informed Macintosh users to advise you on the reaction of the public and Mac press to future proposals. Any marketing handbook will describe this process as the use of "Focus Groups," and we advise you strongly to make use of them at least once per quarter.
  4. Since you are able to register education users for price discounts for hardware, similar discounts should apply to Mac users seeking to upgrade to OS X 10.2 and adopt ".mac" services.
  5. Our client reminds you we still have not forgotten the untimely demise of the Newton, unseemly attacks upon supportive sites like MacCards, giant pictures of Bill Gates at Macworld (of all places!), denial of press passes to non-rumor sites, pretending that early G3 PowerBook hinges don't fail, denying early iMac power supply failures, and other egregious errors that would have ended in the demise of any dozen dot-coms you care to name; and therefore we require you to stop acting like a "frickin' evil Mac Genius" and get reconnected with the rest of us.

Because we believe this is a serious matter, we ask that you immediately confirm in writing that you have removed the personnel responsible for these bad-press-generating-memos.

We look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely Thinking Differently about Switching,
Fabricate Prevaricate
Fabricate Prevaricate

You Aren't Eating Them With a Fox, PLLC
www.notinabox.com

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