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Making Time for Your Family

Ed Eubanks Jr - Feb. 2006

Time for Family: Finding It, Making It - part two

In the last issue, I talked about finding time for your family when it comes to personal hobbies and bringing work home. This time, I want to focus on attitude toward work and on family activities themselves.

Learn When "Good Enough" Really Is

The stress that comes from something called "perfectionism" can be the tipping point for many who face already busy schedules - a perfectionistic mindset can take them over the edge when it comes to neglecting family life. Perfectionism paralyzes, because perfectionists can never move past the obstacle of finding flaws in their work. It can even turn someone into a procrastinator - they won't begin a task they don't think they can do to perfection.

One of the secrets to my success in protecting my family life has been avoiding the trap of perfectionism. Early on, I came to grips with the fact that I couldn't maintain a 4.0 GPA in grad school while working and having a family; if something had to give, it would have to be my grades. That is not to say that I haven't learned as much as the next student - in some ways, I believe this approach has freed me to learn more than many. I evaluate my progress by asking, "have I learned what I needed to learn from this class?" rather than asking, "did I make the grade?"

This applies to other aspects of life and work, as well. Good enough is, in fact, good enough. Not everything has to be the best. Certainly, there will be projects, assignments, or regular tasks that you simply must put forth your best effort on, but these may be fewer than you think.

Do What You Love - And Know When To Stop

This is actually two tips in one. First, finding a career where you love doing your work is surprisingly rare - it seems like too many people have settled for a job that meets personal financial goals or allows a certain benefit, such as travel or working from home. Not that I think that financial goals, travel, or working from home are bad, but if these are the only reasons to work in a certain position or field then I seriously question whether that position or field is for you.

Instead, get to know yourself - your personality, talents, abilities, communication style, passions, and personal goals - and figure out what kind of career these point you towards. Everyone has a unique makeup in these areas, and yours makes you fitted for certain types of work. Identifying these types, and getting yourself into them, will make even the longest hours and hardest part of the job more tolerable, if not enjoyable.

This is my practice. I love what I do right now: my work at the school where I teach and consult and my work as a seminary student both require of me rigorous and challenging tasks, but they are tasks that I am well-suited to accomplish by the unique makeup that I was made with. As a result, even when I work a 14-hour day (like I have at least three times in the past month), I go to bed with a satisfied exhaustion, not a frustrated weariness. (Here's a plug: I'll be doing a series of articles on this for Low End Living in the future.)

The key to this, though, is knowing that you still have to put limits on your work. In fact, you have to work twice as hard to do so. If you're doing what you love - a genuine "calling" - you'll be so fulfilled by your work that you could do it every waking hour (though I know this sounds hard to believe for some of you!). But you can't do that and still protect your family.

Your family life will improve from the gratifying work you're doing; you won't come home disgruntled and angry, but happy and even excited. But you have to come home - you can't just stay at work, even if you love it.

Find Flexibility In Your Schedule

A friend of mine has a strict policy: if his work requires him to be out in the evening for three hours, he takes that three hours off at some other point during the same day. He'll go in late, take a long lunch, or leave early in the afternoon. He tries to view his day as three basic units - morning, afternoon, and evening - and his policy is that he won't work more than two of those three.

There are times when such a policy simply won't work - an extra project requires extra time, an event demands your whole day, or an overnight trip keeps you busy for days at a time. But the principle in my friend's policy is a strong one: your work is necessary, but your life is not all about work. There needs to be a regular priority of other important parts of life.

The same idea applies when it comes to days off and weekends. Work needs to cease to make way for family and personal well-being. There is a reason that Jews, Christians, and other religious groups have historically held to a principle of sabbath rest: a God who cares for his creation wants his creatures to be healthy, so he commands a day to be set apart for worship and rest. This is not a commandment of drudgery or tedious obligation, but one of benefit and goodness for those who receive it.

Take time for your family (and for yourself) when work offers it: if you're working late tonight, go in a little later tomorrow, or knock off early at the end of the week. Most employers who require their hires to work not-standard hours (the occasional evening or weekend, for example) should also be willing to let their workers take that time off. Some have a formal "comp time" policy, while others will negotiate this off the records. If you're working hard enough to be need this article, you're probably in no danger of offending your boss by asking for a little relaxation in your schedule.

Find Ways to Turn "Ordinary" into "Special"

Marcie and I sometimes have a date where we just sit in the car, in the darkened silence, and enjoy being together. We'll talk, watch the events around us, and just relish the quiet.

We've had all sorts of "dates" that other people call "errands." We also do a lot of things as a family that we could more easily alone. Trips to the grocery store or department store, returning library books or buying home repair goods, picking up the dry cleaning - these are family events for us. Even car rides are family fun: our three-year-old son has an eagle-eye for spotting different trucks and other vehicles, so we often are on "truck watch" when we ride someplace.

Sure, it's not the most efficient way to get these errands done, but when it comes to family it's not always about efficiency. It's more about effectiveness, and doing things together is effective for the health of your family.

Frankly, our kids don't really care that many of our activities are errands. I don't think they notice. What they do notice, however, is when my work keeps me so busy that I don't have much time for them for several days. A recent busy spell resulted in my son asking if he could please go to the grocery store with me. Of course he went - because an ordinary grocery run becomes a special father-son outing if I put even a little energy into it. We found the fun "dump truck" shopping cart, got a free cookie from the bakery, and he helped me pick out our dessert for the evening.

I'm not suggesting that a family play-date to the park or zoo is unnecessary, or that you don't need to go out with your spouse to do more than the Home Depot or Wal-Mart. In between these events, though, good times can be found in simple, ordinary things made special by including your family.

Figure Out How To Do It Together

When you have to get to work, is there a way that your family could be involved? Doing the work together can be fulfilling and beneficial.

Obviously, this will have limits. But you'd be surprised at what you will be able to do together if you work at finding new projects. Maybe your spouse's current or former job makes them uniquely qualified with skills, experience, or knowledge of a certain field that you happen to require for a new project. Perhaps your son or daughter has a creative streak that can give a fresh perspective on your plans.

Or it could simply be that your work includes tasks that anyone can do. Why not let your family be part of the "anyone"?

If there is collation, envelope stuffing, or label-sticking to be done, most children over 6 can be involved in these duties. Calculations, comparisons, and summaries can be done by a spouse or older child - they usually require only the most basic reading comprehension abilities. Most jobs includes some of these, at least some of the time; why not make it a family project instead of something that keeps you away from them?

Marcie has helped me with things as basic as stuffing and sorting a bulk mailing and things as complex as evaluating a group insurance plan for the school where I teach. Not every job or project lends itself to this, but if your job is one that does, take advantage of it when you can.

The same can be said for jobs around the house. Whatever your role, if you can do it with your spouse it will be better than doing it without them. Folding clothes, washing dishes, hanging pictures, repairing plumbing - none of these requires that they be done alone.

My three year old loves to help me with projects. If I'm hanging a picture or fixing the handle on his dresser, he gets his tools (the plastic toy kind) and is right there with me, "helping" as much as he can. Sometimes that makes the task take as much as two or three minutes longer. Now, that is two or three minutes that I could have been writing another article or grading papers, but what the heck - I can take my time a little bit with these projects if it helps my son feel included. (You know what? It makes me feel wonderfully loved too - that he wants to be with me, doing things that I do, helping me any way he can. That's a great feeling.)

You don't have to choose between family and career. You simply have to make careful choices about over-prioritizing one over the other. My experience shows me that I can see both my career and my family life thrive, and gain the benefits of each. You can, too. I hope my methods are beneficial to you and your family.

Go to the Low End Living home page.

Page not found | Low End Mac

Well this is somewhat embarrassing, isn’t it?

It seems we can’t find what you’re looking for. Perhaps searching, or one of the links below, can help.

Archives

Try looking in the monthly archives. :)

Page not found | Low End Mac

Well this is somewhat embarrassing, isn’t it?

It seems we can’t find what you’re looking for. Perhaps searching, or one of the links below, can help.

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Making Time for Your Family

Ed Eubanks Jr - Feb. 2006

Time for Family: Finding It, Making It - part two

Learn When "Good Enough" Really Is

Do What You Love - And Know When To Stop

Find Flexibility In Your Schedule

Find Ways to Turn "Ordinary" into "Special"

Figure Out How To Do It Together

Go to the Low End Living home page.

Welcome Image and Text

Recent Posts

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Welcome Image and Text

Recent Posts

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