Without change, we'd never know time was passing. And I've been
dealing with a lot of change lately - mostly personal, but some
site-related.
I'm coming face-to-face with a lot of issues that have haunted me my
entire life. I first discovered I had ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder)
when our oldest son was diagnosed in second grade a dozen years ago. I
read the books. "That sounds like me." And I lived with it. I saw my
ability to juggle tasks, my tendency to bite off too much, my pattern
of just barely finishing on time or never quite finishing at all as
ways I harnessed ADD to my advantage.
Until the past months, I have never been medicated for it, and that
was a mistake. I now have more focus, something I especially notice
when driving. But more than that, I have better control of my impulses.
And I'm hoping the medication will help with relationships strained in
part by my ADD. That's where I most regret just living with my problems
instead of facing them.
I've been suffering from depression, and in learning about that
disorder, I find that I've been mildly depressed my entire life. That
also impacts relationships. Combined with ADD, anger flare-ups can be a
real problem, something I see in myself and my youngest son. There's a
lot of underlying grayness when you're mildly depressed. The world
isn't covered by black storm clouds, but neither is it sunshine and
warmth. About the only positive thing that comes from mild depression
is a very balanced outlook on the world - some things are good, some
are bad.
I'm on medication for depression and ADD. It helps. If have more
focus. I am less stressed, less grumpy, smile more, experience positive
emotions at a new level. I wish I'd done it years ago, but I was able
to get by and pass as just another geek.
That's a big part of my problem, denial. It's a learned behavior
from the home I grew up in. It's how my parents coped with life and
still seem to in many ways. It's a defense mechanism that's lets you
blind yourself to what you see. Kinda scary when you think about
it.
I spent four weeks preparing for my first therapy session. On the
one hand we wanted to find the right meds. On the other, I never took a
psych course in school because I was afraid people would see how messed
up I was. Part of me was frightened.
But I spent four weeks putting together an autobiography for my
therapist. This also helped me better see the structure and events of
my life. I wrote openly and honestly about rejection, being victimized,
and confusion along with the good stuff - the balance of the mildly
depressed.
I was very ready for therapy. During the weeks prior to the first
session, I'd started coming to grips with my wife's insistence on a
separation while I work through my issues and we work on the marriage
afterwards. I have mostly been a loner with very few friends and a
limited number of acquaintances. A lot of people moved to the friends
list as I needed to process and vent. I am building a support system
and even reaching out to family members I rarely talk to.
After discussing my marriage and recent past in the first session,
we got to family of origin stuff in the second. There's a lot there,
but between the two sessions we turned over a lot of puzzle pieces. My
therapist says we've got most of them turned over now. The next step is
putting them together - where do I want to start?
I had no idea. I want to end emotionally healthy and in a healthy
marriage, but what's the next step after identifying the pieces? I had
taken the chaos of puzzle pieces strewn all over the place, put them on
the table, and turned them over. Time to look for an edge piece?
My therapist did something very helpful then - he gave me a choice
of two issues to deal with. Two issues it would really hurt to face,
issues that brought anger and fear and frustration and pain. We went
for the oldest, and when he mentioned the word abandonment, I broke
down.
On the one hand, I'm an introvert and need a lot of time to myself.
On the other, I can't make it alone. On the gripping hand, because of
my ADD and mild depression, I'm not very good at relationships. The end
result is few friends and very few close ones.
Add fear of abandonment to the mix, and you get a strange concoction
indeed. You either hold people too tight - my response when my wife
said we needed to separate - or you keep them at a distance so they
can't abandon you. No wonder I went so deep into depression when faced
with a separations - all I felt was rejected even though we both hoped
it would be a short-term separation.
I have recognized how needy I am in some ways, how desperately
dependent on a few people to keep my going. I was too needy to give my
wife what she needed as I withdrew more into myself over the past
several years. Now she's run out of energy to continue giving.
These are the kind of issues that fill my days and haunt my nights.
I have insomnia, some nights a lot worse than others. Some days I can
hardly focus on anything else. I'm reading a lot and learning a lot.
I'm coming to peace with the idea of separation, of possibly living
alone for a while as I get emotionally healthy. There's a lot of good
coming out of all this, but it is draining.
That impacts Low End Mac. For the second time in a few months we've
gone three days without any site updates. Since we'll be closed next
week, I put a lot of effort into getting what we had ready last night
for publication this morning. And I'm giving a lot of thought to moving
to a three day (MWF) publishing schedule until I feel up to daily
updates.
I'm also hoping to start learning the drupal publishing system, which is
something like the slash code used at Slashdot. A couple guys from
church know and use it (also Macs!), and two of my sons are proficient
in PHP, so I'm hoping over the next week we can get drupal up and
running. That should really simplify posting articles in the
future.
For those wondering about site finances, we are making it. We're not
getting rich, but we have a steady cash flow. We are in this for the
long haul.
In the end, despite all the issues, I'm optimistic. My therapist
applauds my courage in just facing the issues, not trying to hide them
or deny their impact. My wife needs some time apart to find herself and
recover, but she wants to work on the marriage when I'm healthy. I've
learned that even a geek like myself can find supportive friends. I've
experienced how medication can take away some of the gloom of
depression and chaos of ADD.
Most of all I'm liking the person I'm becoming, someone freeing
himself from the shackles of denial and squarely facing the other
issues that warped my life, whether caused by my biology or my
circumstances.
Healthy is a good place to be, the journey there means some pain,
but the destination makes it all worthwhile. More at some point in the
future, and thanks for all the support and concern yesterday, today,
and tomorrow.
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