Windows 95 FAQs

This FAQ for Windows 95 should be updated for Window 98 in the near future.

Menagerie of Macs

Q: Why should I upgrade to Windows 95?

A: Because of the size of Microsoft, and its influence on the American economy, it’s crucial that all PC users buy Windows 95. If this doesn’t happen, the dollar will fall further against the yen, unemployment will rise, the deficit will increase, interest rates will skyrocket, the market will crash, and we’ll be plunged into another world war. Besides, Bill Gates says you should.

Q: What about long filenames?

A: Ha ha. Can’t believe you fell for this one. Sure you can create long filenames, which are then immediately truncated to an eight character string, for old times sake. When you go to look for your file, the operating system matches a random sampling of letters with the filenames it has stored. Good luck finding your file.

Q: Does Windows 95 offer true multitasking?

A: Yes. It’s called Interactive Multitasking, meaning you can go work on other tasks while waiting for your computer to reboot each time Win95 crashes.

Q: What does “32-bit” mean?

A: Colloquially, 2 bits means 25 cents (as in “Shave and a haircut, two bits”). So 32 bits is $4, or the amount it costs Microsoft to make something for which they’ll charge you $89.

Q: Can Windows 95 really work with only 4 MB of RAM as Microsoft claims?

A: It’s true! However, we caution you not to try to run any programs under this configuration. In fact, it’s best if you don’t turn the machine on at all.

Q: Why did the Justice Department allow Windows 95 to ship with access to Microsoft Network?

A: The Justice Department was mysteriously gifted several million shares of Microsoft stock by an anonymous donor and now has a stake in Microsoft’s eternal success.

Q: Why would I want to sign up for Microsoft Network?

A: You won’t have a choice. Windows 95 manipulates your monitor’s refresh rate to flash subliminal messages on your screen suggesting that you sign up for MSN. In this hypnotic state, you’ll do anything they say. Anything they say. Anything they say…

Q: How do I get support?

A: In anticipation of the flood of customer support calls, Microsoft has contracted with city agencies across the country for their services. If you need assistance for Win95, just dial 911.

Q: But doesn’t Windows 95 come with some cool features, like a trash can on the desktop?

A: Wow!!! How… innovative of them.

Q: Didn’t Windows 95 have another name?

A: Yes. Macintosh 89.

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