The Lite Side

Cause and Effect: Apple's Stock Price

- 2001.10.08

This is a definitive guide for the investor seeking to find excuses for why they keep losing money on Apple stock. Read between these lines, and you won't lose any money ever again! (Mainly because you won't have any money left!)

Today in stock market news....

Gateway announced the closure of more than 120 stores today and layoffs of nearly 42,051 workers. In this latest cost-cutting move, the computer manufacturer has striven to provide investors with a balanced budget with hope for the future of the company resting with the three part-time workers and one script kiddie still on the payroll. Stock rose 58% based on this news, reaching 12.42 by closing.

Dell computer succeeded in again halving the demand for personal computers by undercutting the competition and claiming an increase in sales because all the loss of sales were for its competitors. If present trends continue, Dell forecasts that by 2005 they will have 99% of the PC market, which will consist of eleven people in Snowbank, Alaska, who will finally break down and buy computers when electricity reaches their tiny hamlet. The rest of the computer using public will wait to upgrade when the availability of electricity matches the power demands of the latest Pentium chip. Dell stock rose 128% today in heavy trading, closing at 63.84. Michael Dell had this to say: "And to make it even sweeter, we're not irrelevant, like some other lame companies we know! Nyah!"

Micron computers had a busy day as they completed a merger with RandomTechTerm Computers just in time to declare formal bankruptcy. Micron shares, listed on Ed Florio's Stock Market and Bait Shop, rose to 0.012 cents on this announcement.

Intel announced today that its new chip, the Pennyanteum XIX running at 4.2 GHz, was just able to beat an aging 8 MHz Atari ST in a test designed to totally ignore Photoshop standards as no one actually uses that program to do real work. Moore's Law seems to have worked in favor of the company, because despite repeated demonstrations that other computer chips run circles around the Pennyanteum, analysts listed Intel's stock as a "Buy it or Else I Will Kidnap Mariah Carey," prompting the stock to rise 3400%, from 29.17 to 904.27. Rival chipmaker Athlon reiterated their claim that Intel's chips "suck Big Time," but declined to provide benchmark data to back up the claim.

Apple Computer had another lackluster day despite their surprise announcement today of new Gigahertz LCD-based iMacs. Analysts who had just yesterday been clamoring for such a new device declared it "Dead on Arrival" (CBS Marketwatch), "Woefully lacking in expansion ports" (Linux Today Magazine), "Missing the fundamentals, such as a floppy drive" (PC Magazine), and "Insanely Irrelevant" (Dell Corporate Newsletter) - despite the fact that demand is so great Apple is anticipating having difficulty keeping up. Also, OS X 11.0 was released, increasing stability and speed and bringing several new major applications to the latest operating system from the computer company, including iPhoto, a program that doesn't do everything Photoshop does, but does what it does much more easily. Based on a grimace from Adobe and a mild hesitation in a news conference from Microsoft, Apple's stock fell 43% today, leaving it way, way, way, way below what it used to be back when I told you to buy it.

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