In light of the recent brouhaha (a micro-panic, really) over Michael
Dell's claim that Dell put integrated wireless laptops on the market
before any other PC maker (because, after all, we know Apple doesn't
make PCs...) I did a little investigating to determine what other sorts
of things Dell did first.
You'd be surprised at what I found out.
First PC Infected by Doofus Virus
Records show that Dell was the first vendor to ship a laptop to be
infected by the Windows "Doofus" virus, which makes the owner's hard
drive emit a loud burping noise similar to the effect of eating too
many Doritos while guzzling Diet Snapple watered down with 7 Up
and a touch of ginger ale shaken violently with just a touch of Mrs.
Dash added for cachet. It then emails this sound to every
high-muckity-muck you know. Dell narrowly beat competitor Gateway (home
of the seven-stomach-flu-virus) on this one. Ah, the rewards of being
#1.
First CRT to Cause Cancer
Dell's manufacturing division did not realize that the early
Configurion™ (Con-fig-YUR-ee-on) monitors shipped in 1994
actually contained klystron modulator tubes which emitted X-rays.
Discovered by accident in a photo lab which kept finding mysteriously
exposed film in their film storage locker, Dell quickly recalled the
monitors, set them on fire, and claimed the recall was to prevent
accidental fire in the monitors.
First use of the syllable "-ion" (Ee-Yon) in a computer name
Dell pioneered the use of the "-ion" suffix with its early
On-ion™ computer in 1953, which reportedly was a real stinker and
quickly pulled from the shelves after only 11.9 minutes on the market.
Apparently, despite its name, it would not stay on when you turned it
on. More recently, Dell has registered the following names for future
use in their -ion desktop line, hoping to follow the success of the
Inspirion™ (in-SPEER-ee-yon; corrects the spelling error Dell
made when naming this model "Inspiron"), Dimension™
(DIM-en-SEE-on), and Precision™ (pre-SIZZ-ee-yon) computers:
- Dellion™ (a cardboard computer from
Office Depot)
- BurninHellion (uses the new Pentium 4)
- Pavilion™ (pah-VILL-ee-yon - most people don't know that HP
licensed this name from Dell. In fact, HP still doesn't know it.)
- Fusion™ (fuse-EE-yon; requires another 30 years R&D
before it actually works)
- Accordion™ (yank-o-VIC-ee-yon; makes amusing noises when you
squeeze the mouse)
- Hyperion™ (all screen savers set to Warp 8)
- Confusion™ (con-FUSE-ee-yon; randomly selects a different
version of Windoze every time it boots)
- Ovenion™ (o-VEN-ee-yon; turns itself on when you leave the
house)
- Vermilion (ver-MIL-ee-yon; first fire-engine-red computer)
- Alliteration-ion-ion™ (al-LIT-err-ATE-ee-yon-ee-yon-ee-yon;
first computer with triple-redundant backups)
- Confabulation™ (con-fab-u-LATE-ee-yon; used by his Mikeness
his own self)
- Titanion™ (a silver colored, still dripping with wet titanium
spray paint laptop developed far ahead (11.9 minutes ahead, to be
precise) of the TiBook
made by Apple), and finally,
- OhBabyYouTurnmeion™ (Used strictly for online whoopee)
First Stalker to Head Computer Company
Michael Dell, as well documented on the popular Mac site As the Apple Turns, is obsessed with
becoming Steve Jobs; he follows His Steveness's moves so closely,
sometimes he does them before Steve does. That would make him a
stalker, I think, whether he does it himself or has some http proxy do
it for him.
First Use of Black as Pentium Heat Radiator
In the past, computer makers would occasionally produce computers
colored black in an attempt to add "Henry Ford color" to their lineup.
For Dell, that perennial innovator, that wasn't enough: In 2001 they
connected the Pentium's heat sink (now at an unimaginable 16.8 pounds
of supercooled triple-jacketed aluminum) directly to the metal, black
exterior of the computer, providing a large radiative surface in an
attempt to keep the interior cool. Some users in the Pacific Northwest
use this computer, the so called "Blackbody" Radiation™
(ray-dee-ATE-ee-yon) as the primary heat source for their homes.
First Use of Desktop Internal Power Supplies
To keep the computer running in the face of computer power
blackouts, in 1995 Dell introduced the short-lived DieHardion™
(brusseh WILL-iss-ion) computer, using a car battery to provide power.
The line was abandoned when users called in to complain that they could
no longer start their computers, having never figured out how to plug
them in. They used their computers for all of 11.9 minutes before
draining the car batteries dead, and many balked at having to buy a new
car just to have a spare battery.
Conclusion (con-CLUE-see-yon)
As you can see, Dell continues to be an Inspiration™
(In-spuh-RATE-ee-yon) to everyone in the computer business, and today,
in particular, to me as I write this column. We can only hope that Mike
"I am not Steve" Dell realizes the enormity of his contribution to the
world of computing, before it's too late and he goes back to selling
used cars or something.
Happy Compution™ (Come-Pootee-on)!
Jeff Adkins is a
science teacher who isn't afraid to state his preferences in computing
platforms. In his classroom he has everything from a Quadra 700 to a 500 MHz CD/R-CD/RW iMac,
and they all work together nicely. He also writes Mac Lab Report for Low
End Mac. and maintains a site for astronomy teachers at www.AstronomyTeacher.com.
