Apple's new "breakthrough" digital device set me to thinking what
would be good enough to satisfy the pundits who proclaim that the iPod
is just another boring MP3 player. So I came up with a list of ideas
Apple can use, free of charge, to satisfy the all important pundit
demographic.
But before we get into that, make sure you have the proper
background. Let me present you with the Lite Side Highly Compressed
iPod Review™, containing everything you need to know about what
people think about the iPod.
Lite Side Highly Compressed iPod Review
Two friends, Fred and Wilma, are discussing the iPod. Fred is the
pundit, and Wilma the uninformed consumer.
Fred: Apple has a new breakthrough MP3 player called the iPod.
Wilma: What's so good about it?
Fred: It holds 1000 MP3s; essentially your whole music
collection.
Wilma: That's good.
Fred: No, that's bad, because other players already have that
functionality. It also has a cable to connect it to the computer so it
can hot-sync.
Wilma: That's good.
Fred: No, that's bad, because other players do that, too, or with so
little effort as to be not inconvenient. (Editor's note: "Not
inconvenient" is a Windows Technical Term™) What it does have is
FireWire.
Wilma: I guess that's bad, too.
Fred: No, that's good, because FireWire is much faster than the USB
or serial connections found on other MP3 players. And it provides power
to recharge the iPod as well - all the other players require a separate
power cord or millions of alkaline batteries.
Wilma: So I guess that's the innovation.
Fred: You are correct, but there is one other bad thing.
Wilma: What's that?
Fred: It costs $400.
Wilma: That is bad.
Fred: Very bad.
Wilma: How could we ever afford it?
Fred: I guess I'll be eating Bronto Burgers for a month.
Now with that business behind us, we can proceed to brainstorm new
iHub™ devices to go along with the new whipping boy for Apple
pundits, the iPod. These Pundit-Proof™ designs will sell well to
people who write columns like this one. In fact, I'd buy every item
that follows on this list if I had any money to spend.
New Pundit-Proof™ Digital Devices from Apple
The Old Standby: the iPad™, Apple's revived and
revitalized Newton technology, automatically hot syncs with your iMac's
Documents folder (OS X only), and contains a stripped down version
of OS X as an internal operating system. Compatible with Network
Administrator and Timbuktu Pro. Flat screen interface with a stylus and
retractable keyboard stored underneath the third-leg prop that holds it
up. No removable media; color screen, 10 gig hard drive with one
FireWire and two USB ports. Airport connectivity. No known method will
connect it to a Newton. Initial price: $3,500 due to touchscreen
interface. Pundit-proof price: $129.99.
The iDock: A new home stereo component, this is essentially a
docking station for your iPod which allows you to use a remote control
to play your files over a home stereo system. Connects to that last
unused AUX connector in your stereo system. Initial price: $350.
Pundit-proof price: $29.99.
The iHat: This little device looks like an iPod but contains
a Global Positioning Satellite (GPS) receiver that automatically hot
syncs with your Map and Time Zone control panel. Called an iHat because
the little arrow that points north uses vector notation. This can be
used to automatically keep track of where you've been, adding together
the linear distances to be used in a mileage reimbursement form.
Although Pundits will note that any PDA can be connected with a GPS
receiver for far less money, they will balk at the initial price, but
eventually learn to love the little gizmo. Initial price: $4,500.
Pundit proof price: $10,000. Pundits are always looking for ways to
increase their mileage reimbursements.
iGo: Apple's entry into the automotive field looks
suspiciously like a new VW Beetle with a FireWire interface. You can
fill your car with gas in less than 8.4 seconds. A complete overhaul
takes only 11 minutes. Still, pundits will complain you can do the same
thing with the Ford XP Windows Edition, only slower. Initial price:
$58,000. Pundit proof price: $ 2,017.58.
iSpoke: Apple's newest entry in the Digital Hub domain is a
voice recorder shaped like a pen - but it's a voice recorder! Record
your enemy's secret confessions when he makes that big tell-all speech
just before attempting to kill you. Also a really good "hub" pun too.
Introduced at $399. Pundit-proof price: $7.99.
iKnow: Carry around the Library of Congress in your backpack
with this 140 terabyte portable RAID from Apple. Connected to an iMac,
it lets you access the entire Library of Congress without an Internet
connection. Can download the entire first season of Buffy (before she
died) in less than 3.1 seconds. Introductory price: $7,000,000.
Pundit-proof price: $112.42.
iYam: Apple's first FireWire-compatible mirror lets you
display a digital image of yourself, altered in real time with Kai's
Photo FaceLift, on a display designed to mimic a real mirror. You will
be able to gaze at yourself and see what you want to see, all the while
murmuring, "I Yam what I Yam." Introductory price: $78. Pundit-proof
price: $1,019. Odd pricing structure due to market saturation by Glenn
Close. Special Disney pricing available from January to March in
conjunction with Sleeping Beauty DVD promotion.
Apple, you can have these ideas free and clear. Enjoy your new found
riches! Until next time,
iRemain,
Your Friendly Neighborhood Lite Side Guy!
