With apologies to M. Groenig and G. Galilei
Norris and Homer are talking about problems on their computer
network. Norris is an unbiased middle-level administrator. Homer is an
IT department tech. Joining them is Stephanie, a Mac user on the
network.
Norris: Well, what I want to know is, why is our accounting
software so slow?
Homer: What do you mean?
Norris: Well, it takes ten minutes to load, and when it's
running, it crashes and freezes a lot.
Stephanie: I have the same problem.
Homer: Well, there you go.
Norris: What do you mean, there you go?
Homer: It's the Macs on the network. They have AppleTalk,
see, and they're slowing the network down for everyone.
Norris: Yeah, I've heard Macs make things slow.
Stephanie: Exactly how do they do that?
Homer: Do what?
Stephanie: Make things slow.
Homer: It's that AppleTalk thing. See, every Mac on the
network sends out signals which tell all the other AppleTalk devices "I
am here." If you have a bunch of Macs on the network, then, you get a
lot of unnecessary traffic. AppleTalk is what they call "chatty."
Stephanie: How do you know that?
Homer: Everyone knows it. It's included in day one of
Microsoft network training.
Norris: I thought Macs were out of business.
Stephanie: The company's name is Apple. Macs are what they
make. That's like saying you thought Taurus was out of business when
you mean Ford.
Norris: So I thought Apple was out of business.
Homer: It's only a matter of time.
Stephanie: Why is it then that Apple is the only PC maker not
laying off workers?
- [Sound of crickets chirping. An eagle can be heard screaming in the
distance. ]
Norris: So what do we do about this network slowdown? Get rid
of the Macs?
Homer: Well, that's what all the techs would like to do, but
you know those artsy types (rolls his eyes towards Stephanie) they
don't understand network issues.
Stephanie: Have you tried blocking AppleTalk packets at the
local routers?
Homer: Hah?
Stephanie: Most of the AppleTalk traffic is local to internal
department servers and printers. If you block AppleTalk packets at the
router in the department, there's no reason for those extra packets to
cause problems elsewhere. Besides, the network is so fast it is most
likely some other problem causing the effect. AppleTalk hasn't been
chatty since the early 90s.
Norris: So if it's not the Macs. What is it?
Homer: Don't listen to her; it's the Macs, trust me. See, the
real problem is we are a cross-platform environment.
Norris: You mean we have both Macs and PCs.
Homer: Right. See, if we only had one kind of computer, then
we wouldn't have to split our attention between two platforms. We
wouldn't have to send people off to Mac training; and we wouldn't need
to be having this conversation.
Norris: So we should get rid of the Macs because they draw
your attention away from the PCs.
Stephanie: Exactly how much time per person do you spend on
each platform?
Homer: Come again?
Stephanie: How many man-hours of time does the average IT
tech spend on a PC and how much on a Mac?
Homer: Well, we should spend more on the Macs than we do, but
we don't have time....
Stephanie: ...because you have to pay attention to the
Macs.
Homer: Now you're getting it.
Norris: Now wait, that doesn't make any sense.
Stephanie: Darn tootin'.
Norris: Well see, if the Macs would work on our NT network
like a proper NT box, then we wouldn't have to visit them any more than
a regular PC; maybe three or four times a year plus maybe one OS
reinstall. NT is pretty stable, you know. Very reliable.
Stephanie: Hold on. First of all, you dodged my question
about hours per platform. Secondly, if the NT boxes don't need much IT
time, and you don't spend as much time on the Macs as you should,
exactly what are you guys doing down there besides playing Quake? When
was the last time you reinstalled a Mac OS?
Homer: Well, we had to configure the executive laptops.
Norris: Executive laptops?
Homer: Yah, well, see we bought a bunch of laptops for the
bigwigs, but they all came with Windows Me, and we had to wipe the
drives and install Windows NT so they could be on the corporate network
here.
Stephanie: You put NT on laptops.
Homer: Of course. If they're on the network, they need to be
running NT. That's exactly my point about the Macs. If they ran NT,
life would be simple.
Stephanie: You put NT on laptops.
Homer: ...and your point is?
Stephanie: Our customized, legacy dialup service requires an
application which runs only on Windows 98 or Me. I know because I can't
dial in from home.
Norris: Really? That explains why I couldn't log in.
Homer: Really, if it'll run on NT it'll run on 98 or Me. It's
all Windows.
Norris: Now c'mon, even I know that's not true.
Stephanie: I suppose you'll find a way to blame that on the
Macs, too.
Homer: I have nothing against Macs. As long as I don't have
to work on them.
Stephanie: Apparently you're not working on them, so I fail
to see your point.
Norris: Isn't your job to keep all the computers working?
Homer: My job is to keep the network running.
Stephanie: And heaven help any Mac user who actually needs to
use the network to, you know, actually work.
Homer: Well, if there weren't any Macs, we wouldn't have to
worry about network viruses.
Stephanie: Come again?
Homer: Well, the viruses and Trojan horses and worms that are
typically going to infect an NT network do so through their Outlook
clients.
Norris: Like Code Red?
Homer: Well, in that case it was actually spread through IIS
servers.
Stephanie: Another Microsoft product.
Homer: So, since we don't buy virus protection for the Macs,
they can be carriers for the viruses and worms by forwarding email,
although in most cases they cannot be infected themselves. So whenever
we get a lockdown on a worm, the Macs continue to carry the infection
even though the PCs are clean. So you see, we should get rid of the
Macs for that reason, too.
Norris: And why don't we buy virus protection for the
Mac?
Homer: Because it's such a niche market, the virus writers
tend to ignore it. So we don't need it.
Stephanie: Apparently we do.
Homer: Well, we can't afford the virus protection for the
Macs because the Macs are so much more expensive than the Windows
boxes. And all the parts are proprietary. And look at those iMacs - if
the modem goes out, you need a new motherboard.
Stephanie: Homer, we don't use the modems at work, and you
know it. As far as the expense, that may be true of the shelf price,
but have you factored in the fact that all of your salaries are spent
supporting Windows machines and not the Macs? I can't remember the last
time we saw one of you IT guys in our section.
Homer: We spend all of our time maintaining the network.
Norris: The company isn't here to support a network; the
network is here to support the company.
Homer: Listen, you obviously don't have the background to
understand these issues. I've been trained by Microsoft, for goodness
sake....
Stephanie: If you dropped an iBook and an Dell laptop off the
top of the building, which would get to the ground first?
Homer: Hah? The iBook, of course, because it's heavier.
Norris: Even I know that heavier things don't fall faster
than lighter ones. That's been known since the Renaissance.
Stephanie: Besides which, the iBook is lighter by a pound.
Norris, why don't you come down to my department and see what we're
doing without IT assistance?
Norris: Sounds good to me. Let me drop off this dead weight
(indicates Dell laptop) in my office.
Stephanie: Let me talk to you about feeding our fraction of
the IT staff budget back into extra hardware purchases....
Homer: Now wait just a minute....
finis
Jeff Adkins is a
science teacher who isn't afraid to state his preferences in computing
platforms. In his classroom he has everything from a Quadra 700 to a 500 MHz CD/R-CD/RW iMac,
and they all work together nicely. He also writes Mac Lab Report for Low
End Mac. and maintains a site for astronomy teachers at www.AstronomyTeacher.com.
