The Lite Side

Four Top Ten Lists

- 2001.12.11

10 Things Dell Will Claim in 2002

10. Mike Dell invented electricity.

9. "Easy as Dell" contains no spelling errors.

8. "dvvm9 rew" (contributed by my 3 year old son Jonathan)

7. Dell invented the "whole desktop metaphor thing."

6. The following rumor is not true: Mike Dell is Steve Job's visionary great-grandson, secretly traveling back in time to attempt to change history by destroying the U.S. computer industry.

5. The whole AT&T cable mess was a "brilliant strategic move."

4. Dell Computers will be manufactured in Elbonia from now on.

3. Titanium is not an element in the periodic table.

2. With every new Dell sold Dell will contribute three aging Pentium II's to Afghan children, thus cleaning up their environmentally unfriendly reputation.

1. After many years of low bidding under cost, Dell now controls the market for those kiosks outside fast food restaurants that display how much you owe (you know, the ones that never seem to be working right).

10 Additional Tasks Microsoft Must Complete to Make Good on Offer to Schools

10. Free tech support for a year if your PC ever freezes.

9. All error beep sound files must now say, "Guilty! Guilty! Guilty!"

8. One out of 100 copies of Windows includes free bottle of Windex.

7. Microsoft Office installation licenses for upgrades now count for original installs.

6. Passport now comes with a free pass into Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory.

5. All Microsoft employees must visit a priest and confess.

4. Office must now be ported to Timex/Sinclair 1000, Commodore 64, and Altair.

3. All Microsoft employees must use first release versions of software without upgrades.

2. Senior management must give workers iPods for Christmas.

1. After school study sessions at Bill's house on Thursdays.

10 Things Steve Jobs Unlikely to Say at Macworld San Francisco

10. And now for a few comments from Bill, please direct your attention to this 40 foot screen.

9. I've decided to retire from Apple and teach computer science to kids.

8. I never promised you a flat panel iMac - get over it.

7. We've decided to drop OS X and just go back and fix OS 9.

6. Guess what? We write most of the PC viruses you see out there in the world.

5. You want kernel panic? I'll show you kernel panic. I got your kernel panic right here.

4. It takes me forever to get going when I wake up from sleep.

3. Somebody tell those teachers in Virginia to get a clue.

2. You with the Klingon makeup - you're at the wrong convention.

1. Microsoft doesn't suck, bit it frequently experiences extremely low air pressure.

10 Reasons Apple Will Never Rule the World

10. Unable to figure out a successful business model for clones (Power Computing Rocks!).

9. Advertising agency never really quite hits the target (rude guy on airplane).

8. Popular, innovative technology abandoned just as kinks worked out (Newton).

7. $400 for a MP3 Player (iPod).

6. Customer Service people apparently work for a different company.

5. Warranties shorter than ___________ (fill in the blank).

4. One egregious flaw in each product (flimsy iBook keys, no carrying case or belt clip for iPod, Titanium scratches easily, no floppy on iMac, power key removed from Pro keyboard, etc.).

3. Large contracts delivered without free training for teachers and students (Virginia).

2. Squashing fan sites wishing to promote the brand for free instead of contracting them for small fees to continue the work (remember MacCards?).

1. No Apple advertising on Low End Mac (stupid, stupid, stupid).

Jeff Adkins is a science teacher who isn't afraid to state his preferences in computing platforms. In his classroom he has everything from a Quadra 700 to a 500 MHz CD/R-CD/RW iMac, and they all work together nicely. He also writes Mac Lab Report for Low End Mac. and maintains a site for astronomy teachers at

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