The Reality Distortion Field (RDF) has been the subject of much
public debate but little scientific inquiry. The RDF is supposedly a
field capable of supressing skepticism or criticism in the intended
subject regarding certain commercial projects, most notably in
Apple™ computers and Pixar™ computer animated movies.
Some characteristics of the RDF's physical manifestations are easily
inferred from past observations. The larger the field strength of the
RDF, the more likely a Macworld audience is going to buy into the
presentation. RDF energy is not conserved and must be replenished on a
regular basis.
- Relationship to distance. As with the other forces of
nature, the RDF weakens with distance. However, even though it is very
strong near the source, it is remarkably robust over distances at least
as large as the earth. The evidence for this is the strong market share
Apple enjoys in countries such as Japan. Therefore it is unlikely to be
a simple inverse square effect (such as gravity or light intensity).
Since it falls off more slowly than a classic inverse square rule, it
is either 1/d or 1/dn, where d
is the distance and n is a positive number between 0 and 2.
Until sufficient data are gathered to discriminate, it is our view that
the RDF falls off as 1/d.
- Relationship to time. The longer the time from when an RDF
burst is emitted to when it is no longer effective seems to be cyclical
in nature with a period of approximately 0.5 year. It peaks after each
Macworld keynote and falls off rather substantially after that.
Therefore, it is probably a sinusoidal function.
- Prejudicial constants. Certain individuals seem immune to
RDF phenomena, whereas others are more susceptible and may remain
entranced for as long as six to eight weeks. There is an empirical
constant W which expresses the individual's susceptibility to
RDF phenomena. If W is small, the individual is not susceptible
to RDF effects; if W is large, RDF effects linger for weeks,
months, and sometimes years. Whatever the value of W, its
relationship with RDF strength is direct.
- Rumormorphological effects. The greatest RDF field effects
are seen when the major announcement of the show meets, exceeds, or
trumps the expectation of rumor sites reporting on upcoming product
prior to the keynote at Macworld. Therefore the difference between the
RDF and the RMDF is the exponent of a constant; if the difference is
positive, the RDF effects increase; if the difference is negative, the
RDF effects decrease.
Summary: These well known effects constrain the behavior of the RDF
force field to the following field equation:
RDF strength = W x (RmRMDF) x
cos(2 x pi x T/0.5)/r
Where W is the Prejudicial Constant (Windows IT Professionals
W = 0; Longtime Macolytes, W = 1),
Rm is the Rumormorphological Constant (which be defined to be
equal to 1)
RMDF (the current value of the Rumormorphological effect; can
equal -1 if rumors are conservative or lame or +2 if rumors are wildly
speculative; equals +1 if they appear in mainstream press at midnight
before Keynote)
T = time remaining until next Macworld
r = physical distance from Steve Jobs (in meters)
Conclusion
This mostly analytical approach can be complicated by various
effects such as the so-called Seybold effect. The periodicity can be
deflected temporarily by the Tokyo Skew Factor. And, of course, there
are the well known Microsoft Binary Trigger (= 0 if Office is selling
poorly, = 1 if Office is selling well) and Adobe Field Dampening Press
Release effects. These are all under investigation at this time.
We are also investigating the effect of Artistic Advertising vs. Ads
that Address the Real Issues (sometimes called Chiat-Day manifold space
side effects) and the Woznian Background Radiation that permeates Apple
space.
We find the lack of empirical data so great that claims of
sensitivity to RDF phenomena documented on sites such as AtAT to be
questionable at best. While humans are susceptible to the RDF field, it
has yet to be conclusively demonstrated that wallets are susceptible to
RDF field strength at any given time. Therefore we call for a great
deal of empirical data and are currently seeking funding for a cluster
of G4 Power Macintosh towers to create a parallel processor capable of
dealing with the many variables involved in the problem.
This research was supported in part by the little heart-shaped
valentine in Low End Mac's online store.
