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The Lite Side

If Computers Were Like Home Appliances

- 2002.06.18

Everyone's read an email from someone, somewhere, that pokes fun of computers by comparing them to cars, for example. But honestly, aren't there a few things that computers do better than some of the reluctant machinery in our lives? Of course there are! And after I've had a few more Nutty Bars, I'll remember what they are and record them for you on the Lite Side's

If Computers Were Like Home Appliances

If your computer were like your VCR, it would blink 12:00 even when it was off, and it would eat your disks every now and then, mangling the surface beyond repair. Oddly, you would accept this as normal.

If your computer were like your bathroom mirror, everyone would tell you it works great, but you'd still be disappointed in the results you get when you use it yourself.

If your computer were like your exercise bike, you would spend hundreds of useless hours on it for no apparent effect. You would accomplish nothing, get nowhere, and wear yourself out doing it.

If your computer were like your microwave, you could make it spark and smoke by putting a fork in the drive slot.

If your computer were like your dishwasher, things you tried to erase would leave behind data fragments that would pop up whenever you had guests over to use your computer. These data fragments would be embarrassing, and you would find it difficult to explain those which had a strong resemblance to Claudia Schiffer.

If your computer were like your washing machine, you would cram stuff in it until you couldn't fit anything more - and then complain when the hard drive makes a vibrating and grinding noise so loud it makes your computer "walk" towards the edge of your desk. If you don't correct the problem, it will eventually pull the plug out of the wall and spill electricity all over the floor.

If your computer were like your FOOD SAVR VACU-SUCK device, you would use it once, freeze whatever you made with it, and put it in a closet never to be seen again.

If your computer were like your car's cup holder, the one time you really needed it to hold a hot, heavy cup, it would break and spill hot coffee all over your new pants. Note: the CD-ROM is not a cup holder. It's not suitable for one even if the drive doesn't work.

If your computer were like your freezer, it would work reliably for years, but occasionally you would forget to close the CD-ROM tray, which would make the interior overheat and erase your hard drive, causing you to start over from scratch.

If your computer were like your lawn mower, it would work best when level and would make odd grinding noises, spill noxious liquids when tilted, and always require additional batteries to finish a job half done. The place that sells batteries will be closed on those occasions when you actually have time to use it.

If your computer were like your TV, it would work reliably for years, but the picture would always be a little fuzzy and a little on the green side, no matter how much you fiddled with those mysterious knobs in the back. Oh, and your neighbor will undoubtedly have a larger one.

So next time you're complaining about your computer's performance, just remember this tip from the Lite Side: It could be worse. Oh yeah.

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