The Lite Side

Rejected Reasons to 'Switch'

- 2002.06.25

Seeing the reasons that the people are giving for switching to Macs is very entertaining and all, but I wonder about the reasons submitted that were rejected for commercials....

A few phone calls to my insider, Mike McMac, at the dumpster behind 1 Infinite Loop, and voilà, we have another stunning episode for the Lite Side!

"My cousin Vinnie said he picked one up real cheap from his pal Vito, and I figured, what the ####. It was free, so I took it, since my PC was on the fritz. My name is Lenny Mandolino, and I am a, uh, consultant. Yeah, a consultant. "

"I switched from a PC because I won the Mac computer in a church raffle, and I figured it would be impolite not to use it, since I won it and all. My name is Angela Northbundt, and I am a back-up cake decorator at Baskin Robbins."

[insert some twangy upbeat banjo music here]

"I used to use a PC, but I felt like the powerful rays the government builds into the motherboard were beginning to penetrate my metallic brain-wave blocking hat, so I got a Mac because I heard that Steve Jobs cut a deal with the NSA to keep brainwave emitters out of the PowerPC in exchange for letting the government use Macs in the secret shadow government offices since everyone knows all the government computers report back to Washington. They needed something secure for internal use, and that was the deal Jobs cut with them. I can't tell you my name, because then they would have to kill you."

"I got one just to annoy my Dad. You woulda thought that pants hanging off my rear or my thumb web pierce or my orange dyed arm hair would have set him off, but he ignored that. He went ballistic, though, when Mom got me a Mac for my birthday. Hoo boy! My name is Jason Krugle, and I run the MacTion Packed website."

"If I concentrate really hard I can see trails of ectoplasm leaving glowing streaks on my flat-panel iMac screen late at night, when I have my blank screen saver activated. I have photos of the phenomenon recorded in my iPhoto album. My name is Nadia Empot, and I am a professional dog psychologist by trade, but I am interested in garlic recipes as well."

"I used to use a Timex Sinclair, which contains the sum of my life's work on a collection of hundreds of cassette tape recordings of my writings on the mating habits of the arctic snow-dog slugworm, which I've painstakingly transcribed into my new iBook's audio port. Everything converted to SimpleText without a hitch. My name is Gordon Brian Stumples, and I am a hallucinogenically inspired guest of the Muncie Sanitarium."

[more banjo music]

"I . . . I . . . I . . . used to use, um, you know, a PC computer, but it was, like, the most frustrating experience. I mean, aren't computers supposed to be fun? Is this the future or, or,or, or what? So they gave me lots of, well, money, and of course (long pause) I switched. Wouldn't you? Money talks, that's, that's what they say. My name is Jeff Goldblum, and I, I, I make commercials for stuff I don't know how to use."

What's your story about switching that Apple has yet to acknowledge? You say no poorly pointed video cameras have caught you against that blank white wall outside your local Safeway market? Send your stories to us here at the Lite side, and we'll read 'em. When we're done laughing, we'll turn 'em into spam filter rules.

If you enjoyed these, be sure to view Bill Gates Switch at

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