Most Macworld attendees and all the usual Mac Web news outlets
missed the surprise announcements by Steve Jobs in his poorly timed
encore following the Stevenote last week. Fortunately for you, this
reporter was still trying to look under his seat for the promised free
copy of Jagular when Mr. Jobs returned
to the auditorium - when most folks had already left.
Thanks to modern technology, the Lite Side presents
That'll Be Five Cents, Please
Jobs: Oh! There's still yet again one more other thing.
- [Pauses for applause, which I supply]
Thank you. Now these services we're providing don't come without a
cost. Neither do the older services you've come to rely upon. So let me
outline for you some of the changes we've planned for the next fiscal
year.
Keyboards, which were normally included free with every Mac, will
now be a separate purchase. These keyboards will feature over 100 keys
specifically designed to work with your system. Each letter was
carefully hand-carved out of simulated ivory tusk by a starving child
in India. This keyboard will be available as of the end of the
presentation for the very reasonable price of $250.
Now some people will tell you that keyboards ought to be included.
We've smelled the air, and, frankly, what we smell can't be described
in a family publication. The winds of change are howling down your
street, and one of those changes we've all got to learn to live with is
that you're simply going to have to pay for every part of the computer
that can be disconnected from the rest.
Our new "optical mouse light rental fee" will allow users to get all
the red light they need for their Mac single-button mouse. Costing only
4¢ per minute, this new fee will ensure you keep your mouse moving
by disabling the driver for it if you haven't paid. And paid. And paid
again.
Oh, and in case I didn't tell you ... there's one last thing. Visits
to Apple's website, formerly free, will now cost $5 a hit, especially
on weekdays during office hours.
Some people think we're shooting ourselves in the foot with this
strategy. Other people like pistachio ice cream, so I don't really see
the point.
Thanks once again for coming to Macworld. Don't forget to pay the
exit fee on your way out the door, and don't let the door hit you on
the way out.
If there was more, I didn't hear it, because I was busy paying my
seat fee to the usher.
