The Lite Side

Epic Records Steals Lite Side Idea

- 2002.09.27

Just as I got Napster to work without crashing, I downloaded about half a dozen MP3s of songs I already owned on CD. The next day, the dot-com bubble burst and Napster started to disintegrate. I think there's a little cause and effect here! You would have never guessed that we here at the Lite Side had an influence on the music industry. Don't believe it? Well, read on, Gentle Reader!

Epic records, as reported by Slashdot, has implemented a brute-force copy protection scheme: They're gluing the players shut!

Just in case you've forgotten, this idea was invented right here on the Lite Side!

Scroll down about halfway, and you'll see a little segment describing a very similar concept. Now while we're waiting for the checks to start rolling in from Epic, you can go ahead and read the Lite Side's.

Copy Protection Schemes of the Future

11. Epic sends along Luigi with every purchase - Luigi who breaks your arms if you try to copy their music onto other media.

10. CD music is now recorded with crappy quality to discourage ripping.

9. Every CD player now has a hidden camera that is pointed at the headphone jack.

8. All CDs now require a padlock key which you must pay to use only while in a record store. You pay - they keep the key. One unlock is good for one play.

7. CD discs are now shipped blank along with a "hum-along" guide.

6. CD are now encoded by carving a groove into the surface which causes a needle to wiggle - you need the needle-wiggler to hear the music.

5. Music CDs are now made by AOL and good only for free concerts in some state where you don't live.

4. Epic sends along a brainwave cap with every CD. The CD won't play unless you wear the cap, and if you try to memorize the music, you get a nasty shock.

3. The CD becomes so full of copy protection crap, there's no room for music, which makes the problem go away.

2. Artists decide to start releasing older music as lower-quality MP3s to encourage buyers to purchase the latest album and new compilations at higher quality.

1. The music industry collapses from self-imposed security lockdowns, and all music in the future is generated from samples of music in the past.

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