Just as I got Napster to work without crashing, I downloaded about
half a dozen MP3s of songs I already owned on CD. The next day, the
dot-com bubble burst and Napster started to disintegrate. I think
there's a little cause and effect here! You would have never guessed
that we here at the Lite Side had an influence on the music industry.
Don't believe it? Well, read on, Gentle Reader!
Epic records, as reported by
Slashdot, has implemented a brute-force copy protection scheme:
They're gluing the players shut!
Just in case you've forgotten, this idea was invented right here on the Lite Side!
Scroll down about halfway, and you'll see a little segment
describing a very similar concept. Now while we're waiting for the
checks to start rolling in from Epic, you can go ahead and read the
Lite Side's.
Copy Protection Schemes of the Future
11. Epic sends along Luigi with every purchase - Luigi who breaks
your arms if you try to copy their music onto other media.
10. CD music is now recorded with crappy quality to discourage
ripping.
9. Every CD player now has a hidden camera that is pointed at the
headphone jack.
8. All CDs now require a padlock key which you must pay to use only
while in a record store. You pay - they keep the key. One unlock is
good for one play.
7. CD discs are now shipped blank along with a "hum-along"
guide.
6. CD are now encoded by carving a groove into the surface which
causes a needle to wiggle - you need the needle-wiggler to hear the
music.
5. Music CDs are now made by AOL and good only for free concerts in
some state where you don't live.
4. Epic sends along a brainwave cap with every CD. The CD won't play
unless you wear the cap, and if you try to memorize the music, you get
a nasty shock.
3. The CD becomes so full of copy protection crap, there's no room
for music, which makes the problem go away.
2. Artists decide to start releasing older music as lower-quality
MP3s to encourage buyers to purchase the latest album and new
compilations at higher quality.
1. The music industry collapses from self-imposed security
lockdowns, and all music in the future is generated from samples of
music in the past.
