Here at the Lite Side we're really interested in facts. Some of the
stuff you read on the Internet is bang on, and some of it is, shall we
say, of questionable pedigree (like the majority of the stuff we
write). If you're not sure something is true or not, you should do what
we do - check out the urban
legends zeitgeist.
But where are the legends related to Macs and computing?
We're so glad you asked that, because we're ready to clean out
another filing cabinet of ideas by providing you with the Lite
Side's
Mac Myths and Urban Legends
The Myth: Windows may have stolen its GUI from Macintosh, but
Apple stole it first from Xerox.
Status: There's a germ of truth here, but the entire story
has never been told.
The Truth: It's widely known that Apple paid Xerox for the
privilege of examining its interface technology, while Gates paid
diddly to Jobs. However, what isn't known is that the entire "Windows"
concept was invented by Og FeatherWart, a Neolithic caveman who
stumbled across a hole in a Canadian cave covered with a thin,
transparent layer of ice. Soon, FeatherWart was pushing around little
piles of bat guano and sticks on his "screen" to represent larger piles
of guano and sticks in his cave. Like many of us, Og soon had his
screen more organized than his cave. Through DNA-encoded species
instinct, the concept was passed on through the generations, exhibiting
itself in such places as stained glass windows and the whole
"tele-vision" phenomenon, which led to TV
typewriters. Finally, the concept was perfected by Apple - and
later poorly copied by Microsoft.
The Myth: Files created on a Mac cannot be used on a PC.
Status: False.
The Truth: Files created on a Mac can be used on a PC - but
the truth is that most of the time, they don't want to. It's a whole
social ladder thing; if you're from Piedmont, you wouldn't buy your egg
rolls in Emeryville, would ya? Californians are of two minds regarding
socioeconomic stratification: They hate to see it in others, but it's
just fine for themselves. It's the same thing with computer files.
Think about it.
The Myth: Two mouse buttons are better than one.
Status: True.
The Truth: Two mouse buttons are your only defense as a user
against poorly written software and sloppy interface guidelines. If you
like two buttons, there's a reason for it, and the reason is Windows.
You like two mouse buttons? How about two mice with four buttons total?
If more is better, just use a mouse in your right hand, and a trackpad
with your left. Just keep saying to yourself, "It works more
efficiently when you get used to it."
The Myth: Myth is the
greatest game ever created.
Status: True once upon a time.
The Truth: Like all Net games, Myth has descended into a tiny
community of uber-players bent on the emotional subjugation of all they
survey. By the time that interactive holographic Myth VII comes out in
about twenty years, only three people on the planet will be able to
play it, but we will all worship them like Eloi at the offering
stone.
O Bungie, we remember the old days before you were assimilated, and
it was good to play.
The Myth: HyperCard is dead.
Status: True.
The Truth: HyperCard is not even on life support, folks. It's
stiffening, a little green, and just a little puffy now. It feels pain
in its left arm although that was cut off long ago. However, computing
is a lot like Star Trek. HyperCard could be brought back to life in
Mac
Trek IV, but only if the Captain really wants it to happen.
The Myth: Apple went out of business long ago.
Status: False.
The Truth: If Apple had gone out of business, I would have
latched on to a spare cubicle letter-sorter or a water cooler bottle. I
might have even found one of those wire-mesh milk-crate things you put
files in, except that one of the wheels was missing so it was in the
trash. Since I don't have any of those things, Apple must still be
solvent.
The Myth: The iMac flat-panel computer is rugged enough to be
carried by the neck.
Status: True.
The Truth: Apple computers are so rugged, you can eject the
drive tray and use it for a stepladder. You can turn the flat-panel
screen up flat, horizontally, and use it for one of those weird glowing
tabletops like they use at Macworld. If you dip it in paint and drag it
behind you with a rope, you can paint road stripes. It can survive
reentry into the atmosphere from the Space Station, can be used to
manipulate fusion reactors from the inside, and is impervious to all
known forms of radiation except the flowing waves of heat from John
Madden's head as he struggles to remember a really funny story from
before that last head-shot on the field. With a record like that, a
bendable handle-neck is small potatoes.
The Myth: Mac users are fanatics who are unable to hold a
reasonable conversation.
Status: False.
The Truth: The truth? The truth? You can't handle the
truth! The truth is, you're an ignorant Gates-loving, mindless drone of
a Borg who can't stand to deviate from a stultified party line typified
by decisions driven by corporate bean-counters and corporate IT heads
who haven't laid hands on a Mac since the 1980s and whose concepts of
innovation are stuck somewhere between Post-it notes and Mucilage!
What?
You use a Mac?
Uhmm, sorry about that. I've got some issues.
