The Lite Side

Still Yet Even More Rejected Switcher Ads

- 2002.10.29

Seems like Apple keeps cranking out new switcher ads. Over here at the Lite Side, we can't resist reporting on the switchers we meet down the street at that bar located at 4 Hyperbola Way, 'cuz they're just so funny.

Don't get us wrong - we like the switcher ads. We really do! And if you don't believe us now, you sure will after you read the Lite Side's

Still Yet Even More Rejected Switcher Ads

Dear Apple,

Alonzo Deefendorf has eliminated seventeen of his rivals through the use of strong-arm tactics. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to eliminate Deefendorf using your IMF team. As usual, the Secretary will disavow any knowledge of your activities. Good luck.

This message will self-destruct in five seconds.

Dear Apple,

I'd rather fight than switch.

The Marlboro Man

Dear MAC,

I would like to switch to MAC from Microsoft, but I don't know where to get your computers. I heard they were the same as APPLES, but I thought APPLE had gone out of business years ago. Do you have a PENTIUM in your MAC? Does your MAC come with WINDOWS? I heard a MAC can't use a two button mouse. What is a two button mouse, and when will you offer one?

Nate "Eighty-Six" Wharburton

Dear Apple,

It's too late for me, my son. Yes . . . yes . . . I sense the presence of another Steve . . . a hidden Steve . . . your partner! Your feelings for the early days of the company have betrayed you. Now you must join me or die.

Darth Vader

Dear Apple,

Help you I will.


Dear Apple,

I'm just a regular guy. I'm not very photogenic....

[remainder of content deleted by Apple email filtering system]

Dear Apple,

Software is irrelevant. Ease of use is irrelevant. Hardware is irrelevant. Digital hubs are irrelevant. Style is irrelevant. Loyalty is irrelevant. Your technology and your unique characteristics will be switched back to Windows.

Resistance is futile.

The Borg

Dear Apple,

Had enough? Not dead yet, you say? I've lopped off your arms! You've got no legs! What do you mean, you're not dead yet?

King of the Britons
wielder of the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch

Dear Apple,

That MacIntosh is bitter, lad. Have one of these fine Tremletts's Bitter, Chisel Jersey, Hauxapfel, or Frequin Rouges.

Angus Orchard

Dear Apple,

My brother uses a MAC. But I could never afford one. Finally, he gave me his old one when he had to throw out all his old Mac stuff because he got tired of having to buy new stuff every six months just to keep his computer working the way it used to. Now I have a MAC, but he has a PC. Does this qualify me as a Switcher, so I can be on TV and get rich?

Penniless in Pennsylvania

Dear Apple,

If I do commercials for you, will you give me a computer that works?

Steven the Dell Dude

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