The Lite Side

Microsoft Buys Ambrosia, Plans Zbox

- 2003.04.15

Fast on the heels of Ambrosia Software's announcement by Tom Anthony that the Mac gaming company is porting a "couple" of its Mac-only titles to the PC comes the surprise announcement that Redmond plans to purchase the popular game company. Microsoft spokesman Aaron Newhouse said in a hurriedly prepared statement that "...we're very excited by the games we've seen under development at Ambrosia, including that Terminal Velocity: Supernova thing."

The adaptation of Microsoft's new flat-panel handheld computer operating system, called Microsoft Tabular™, to a gaming system is underway, according to Newhouse. "We want Terminal Speed: Supernova to be the showcase application for our new Tabular gaming lap console, which we are rolling out next week."

According to Microsoft, the new gaming system will be called the Zbox™, and will consist of a Tabular PC™ with a USB joystick glued to one of the ports. "Of course, regular Xbox™ and Mac users will be provided with an incompatible version of, uh, Specific Gravity: Supernova about forty-three months after the Tabular™ version comes out," stated Newhouse.

Hackers on the Internet are already posting instructions on how to purchase the solvent necessary to remove the "lame" joystick that ships with the Tabular™ and replace it with something that has more buttons than a human hand. "We can't wait to get our hands on Projectile Velocity: Superluminal," said one 'leet haxor in an uncharacteristically lucid posting.

When asked if the purchase of Ambrosia software had any connection to Microsoft's desire to limit access to Mac users and its eventual plans to turn Bill Gates into the Hegemon of the World™, Newhouse said, "We're very committed to the Mac version of Terminal Connection: Superficial for the Mac, and you just wait and see, we're going to make the Xbox™ players cry for their little mamas because they don't have this wonderful game by Ambergris Software."

When informed that the Xbox is made by Microsoft and asked about the possible conflict of interest within the company, Newhouse responded to a call waiting beep and could not again be reached for comment.

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