The Lite Side

The Only Way to Save Apple Is to Kill the Mac

- 2003.08.12

I have had an epiphany, a Blinding Glimpse of the Obvious™, as it were, regarding the future viability of Apple Computer.

Since the primary problem with Mac adoption is the myths surrounding the Mac and the unwillingness of PC folk to allow Macs in the corporate environment, pundits across the Internet have proposed solutions which include:

  1. Apple computer begins building on Intel hardware to directly compete OS to OS with Windows instead of box to box with dozens of hardware vendors.
  2. Apple stops using its own OS and instead writes software for the Windows platform. (Which it already does, to some extent.)
  3. Apple goes home and takes a nap and gives its funds back to its investors.

I have a new solution that is cheaper to implement and not as painful for users to accomodate financially.

All Apple has to do is to kill the Mac - then they'll be considered successful again.

Now, before you get all squanky on me (You like that word? I just made it up. It means, "indignant reaction prior to reading the punch line in the next paragraph"), read the next paragraph.

What I mean is that Apple should change the name of the Mac. Then all the negative baggage it carries will disappear like magic. Competing on an even footing once again, users will be free to order "Macs" without resistance.

The only thing left is to come up with a new name.

Here are my suggestions:

  • aDell: so slow people will think it is "a Dell
  • PCPC: the PC so nice they named it twice
  • Confabulation: so easily fooled people will think it IS a Dell
  • My Awesome Computer: goes without saying
  • Wallace and Gromit's Cracking Computer
  • OS XP
  • NixVirus: the world's only virus-free PC

And now, names suggested by the Blender of Syllables™

  • Pleximult
  • OptiMax
  • HyperPlex
  • Flexiplex
  • Inspiritron
  • SteriFax
  • Faxetron
  • BoxiMax
  • MaxiBox
  • Plexifax
  • Transfiguritron

As always, my ideas presented in the Lite Side are free to use, but a little credit would be nice. So far, I invented the idea of CD-players glued shut with CDs inside, and I predicted long before anyone else the use of big cat names like Tigger and Jagular for Mac OS X - but so far no one's fessed up to stealing my ideas. (The next major OS revision is going to be called Shere Khan.)

Remember, you heard it here first.

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