The Lite Side

Extinction of the Hacker

- 2003.08.26

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Archaeological Society:

I am here to present you with a theory so astounding, so amazing, yet so compelling you will be forced to go home and rethink our entire theory of the evolution of electronics.

The sudden disappearance of the hacker (interferus randomii) at the beginning of the computer age has been attributed to reproductive problems associated with long periods of inactivity, exposure to beta radiation, social inadequacy, and stereotyping by Hollywood technodolts.

I am here today to dispel all of these inadequate theories and detail for you the demise of the Hacker.

Recent archaeological evidence extracted from our oldest and most carefully preserved databases reveal that in the year 2004, a company called Microsoft finally succeeded in deliberately - yes, deliberately - eliminating the hacker species from our planet.

In April 2004, shortly after the monopolistic Microsoft had forced everyone to switch to a new version of Office which included a built in XML interpreter, an enterprising hacker named Jorgenson Schmidt-Hirosi wrote a tiny program that exploded on the Internet like iridium from an asteroid impact.

Soon the little program was everywhere Windows was installed - which, by 2004, represented well over 90% of the installed base of computers operating at the time. Then, shortly after 3:00 PM Redmond Standard Time, every Windows based computer in the world began playing "Jingle-Bell Rock" - we believe this to be some sort of religious cleansing hymn - and then every Windows machine in the world simultaneously wiped its own hard drive, asking for a reinstall key.

The evidence is everywhere. A sudden burst of interest in alternative operating systems was not altruistic; it was practical as 90% of the world's computers had ceased to operate. Discarded PC-compatible computer "boxen" excavated from the giant Pit of Blue Death in Nevada all show manufacturing dates within three years of the "Impact," as it is now known. Sites around the world yield the same pattern.

Thus, with no mission left and no reproductive prospects, interferii faded into history as a footnote to a forgotten, vulnerable, and discarded operating system.

The burst of creativity and enlightenment that led to our own present civilization can be traced directly to that specific day. The details of that peaceful transformation will be provided in future presentations.

I thank you for your time, and my owner also thanks you.

Presented with appropriate humility,

R. Daneel Olivaw's Macintosh
(self-aware since 2084)

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