The Lite Side

Notes for Windows Users Who Want to Hate iTunes

- 2003.10.21

I've been following the threads on Slashdot and other sites about the Windows world's first experiences with iTunes. Almost everyone claims this is Apple's first piece of Windows software, forgetting QuickTime, AppleWorks, and Filemaker Pro, various printer drivers, and God knows what else.

If you read for a while you'll see that the reactions are falling roughly into two camps:

  1. It works great, is easy to use, but seems a little slow in ripping and/or burning.
  2. It's causing my system to lock up/freeze/slow down beyond all human imagination.

To help out those poor Windows users who can't find anything to hate in iTunes, I thought I'd offer up my own list of stuff they can adopt in their scathing reviews with the Lite Side's

Notes for Windows Users Who Want to Hate iTunes

  1. iTunes does not start with a CaPitAL leTter. This slows me down when I type ITunes and have to go back and retype the lowercase "i." This probably explains why my computer is running slower.
  2. iTunes does not use the 9th button functionality of my mouse, the one I have to push with my tongue while crossing my fingers over the multi-level multi-button interface on the bottom of the mouse.
  3. iTunes does not run on the aging 75 MHz Pentium machine I keep in my closet. It doesn't even run when the computer is not plugged in, if you can believe that. Real software runs even when the computer isn't even on, like Windows Media Player Mine (Imagine B.G. screeching "Mine! Mine! Mine!" and you'll get the joke), which is running . . . everywhere . . . all the time.
  4. I cannot simultaneously rip, burn, download, play Unreal Tournament, and write code. Obviously, this is because iTunes is slow.
  5. I have to restart my computer to use iTunes. No real software requires a restart, and I resent having to interrupt the burning of my "Full House" soundtrack CD.
  6. iTunes does not allow me to burn hundreds of CDs simultaneously on the bank of burners I have installed in the basement. Now my investment in hundreds of blank CD-R labels will be for nought.
  7. My cousin's indy band's only album, consisting of 3-1/2 tracks of more-or-less unintelligible gobbling, is not for sale at the iTMS. Oh wait, that's an advantage. Now I'm going to have to find some other no-name band to declare my favorite just because it hasn't sold out and tried to, you know, make money on its life work.
  8. I have to use a credit card for the service. If Steve Jobs really wanted to convince me to use this software, he would give away the tracks for free, like on the tops of soda bottles or something.
  9. I'd rather run iTunes on the Mac OS ported over to Intel hardware. As we all know, Mac OS on Intel is Apple's Only Hope. Help me, Obi-Wan, you're Apple's Only Hope. Help me, Obi-Wan, you're Apple's Only Hope (sound of wrench hitting metal).
  10. I'm a klepto and refuse to pay for anything I can steal. I only listen to music I don't own. If they charged for downloading iTunes, then maybe it'd be worth downloading for free.

Armed with these handy complaints, Windows users can rest easy that iTunes won't take over the world - or at least garner 97% of the market - leaving them marginalized in a world of people listening to music untainted by the Scourge that is Redmond.

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