The Lite Side

Dueling Patents: Microsoft vs. Apple

- 2005.08.17

London, Aug. 13 (UPI) - Microsoft's Bill Gates claims that Apple is violating a patent Microsoft holds on how menu selection in music players work.

Saskatchewan, Aug. 17 (Reuters) - Apple Computer shows a patent on the Blue Screen of Death, claiming the background color of its Aqua interface is patented, whereas the Blue Screen of Death never was.

Texarkana, Aug. 30 (Your Aunt Millie) - Aunt Millie testifies in a trial that she cannot tell the difference between Mac OS X's Spotlight function and the Window with a View™ in Windows Leghorn.

Salinas, Sept. 4 (MSN) - Apple claims Microsoft is violating its patent on having a computer understand that when a disk is ejected, the computer is actually aware of the fact.

Nome, Sept. 15 (Daily Show) - Microsoft thinks that Apple is violating its patent on useless buttons on mice. Steve Jobs reportedly says, "Umm . . . not so much."

Moose Jaw, Sept. 17(CBS) - Secret documents obtained by CBS show that Bill Gates has patented the monopoly, and on that basis the iPod is illegal.

Austin, Sept. 18 (Fox) - We present both sides of the ongoing War on Patents with Steve "Monkeyboy" Ballmer vs. the manager of the Stone Cold Austin Apple Store in a winner-takes-all, no-holds-barred cage match.

New York, Oct 5 (UPN) - Patent Office, a new UPN comedy set in the US Patent Office, is criticized for both having a disproportionately high number of minorities compared to the real Patent Office and for taking a decidedly pro-Linux stance on the Patent Wars, rendering the show irrelevant to everyone except Haitian sysadmins in patent offices.

Hazard, Dec. 15 (NBC) - Tired of explaining that Hazard, Kentucky, is only spelled with one "Z," the Mayor of Hazard declares that the City of Hazard is requesting a special version of Office 98 that automatically subtracts the extra "z." Apple claims it already has a patent on this feature, so Microsoft will have to wait until 2012, when Hazard city officials will finally upgrade to Windows XP to make the fix.

Newark (PAX) - Microsoft claims a patent on the letter Q on computer keyboards . . . something to do with "quit."

Quetzcoatl (Univision) - Apple shows prior art on folder icons which are open.

East St. Louis (NY Times) - Microsoft says it invented icons and calls Apple out.

Seattle (MSNBC) - Apple counters that it invented the alphabet.

Atlanta (CNN) - Microsoft invented writing.

London (Reuters) - Apple started with cave paintings.

Redmond (Redmond Times) - Microsoft made a mark with a stick on the ground. Crowds cheer the patent attorney.

Cupertino (SF Gate) - Apple made footprints on a beach before Microsoft invented water.

What's the point of this little exercise?

The farther into the future we go, the farther back in the past we wind up.

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