- 2006.02.23
There's
a new security threat to Macintosh computers circulating around the
Internet, dubbed by security experts to be the "Hammer" worm. As
usual the mainstream press is trumpeting the security flaw in
OS X as the end of an era for Mac users.
What, you haven't heard of "Hammer"? Well, you'll be an expert
as soon as you read the Lite Side's
Guide to the Newest Mac Exploits
February 2006: "Hammer," a new security exploit, has been
identified by Dr. Norton's All-Purpose Threat Prognosticator as the
newest security threat to Our Favorite Platform. Hammer, otherwise
known as Louie the Worm or Floppy-ears, is invoked when users read
an email from "Louie" that reads as follows:
"Hi, Smuggypants!
I work for a big computer company and I just heard there's a
virus on your computer!
It's not really a virus but it's a worm and to stop it you must
kill it!
Here is how you kill it: Click here"
Users who click on the embedded link in the email are taken to a
web page that shows how to destroy the "infection" using three
simple steps:
- Get a hammer.
- Smash your Mac with it.
- Repeat until it stops running. This will kill the worm. Please
now email this warning to everyone you know, especially people you
don't remember in your address book. "
Investigators claim the email actually came from a joke written
by a news website and presented as actual news but supposedly
disguised in a humor column. Readers who forwarded the email to
each other as a joke apparently reached users who "didn't get it,"
according to security expert Lance M. Boyle, who works for
Systemanic Security Software. "Users are actually pounding the hell
out of their computers with a hammer in an effort to rid themselves
of this worm, not realizing that the pounding itself is the
manifestation of the worm's effectiveness," he said. "And, by the
way, it's a worm, not a virus."
This just goes to show the naiveté of the Macintosh user
compared to their more sophisticated colleagues, according to
unnamed security experts. A Windows user, many feel, would have
used a sledgehammer and gotten the job done much more efficiently.
Using a hammer may be more convenient and less messy, but it
doesn't do the job as effectively as a more mainstream sledge, say
Windows users who have fallen prey to the Windows version of this
aggressive little worm.
Security experts warn this is just the beginning. Milo Browe,
who has evaluated tens of zillions of wormii and virii and Trojan
Horsii for the Windows platform, suggests that Mac users are going
to be in a situation where history repeats itself very soon
now.
"Everyone knows a Windows user who claims never to have ever had
a virus or malware on their computer," he says. "The comments
section on security articles online are filled with them. Actually,
we are pretty sure this is the same guy commenting in all these
forums, and for the most part, he's either a liar or an idiot,"
Browe continued.
"Now we get to have the same sort of idiot posting the same kind
of inflammable messages for Mac. Before, they just got to do the
old 'Macs are inherently more secure' line in online flame wars.
Now they'll get to go through the same mind-numbing set of excuses
that Windows users have lived with for years. Of course, this means
that the Mac fanboys are going to go down in flames, unable to
defend themselves against their naturally more experienced
superiors. I'm actually kind of looking forward to it," he
concluded.
"By the way,"he added, "it's not a virus, it's a Trojan."
A spokesman for Apple was unable to confirm that any exploits
had actually appeared in the wild. "I've tried to get my computer
infected for the past 72 hours," said Nancy Bowtie, a tech support
research assistant for Apple. "They want me to compromise my
machine so they can work on fixing the exploit, but so far, none of
my IM buddies have sent me any attachments. It's kind of hard to
get infected, even if you want to," she said.
"I'm pretty sure this thing's a virus," she added.
Other worms are in the works, according to USYTBSBA. (Unnamed
sources yet to be sued by Apple). Here's a partial list to keep you
waiting in suspense:
Shazbot Noogie: This malicious virus reproduces itself to
detached aliases and spreads when you accidentally send the alias
to a friend instead of an actual file. This one is a virus but
everyone tells you it's a worm.
Horsey Set: This email-based attack claims to have
pictures of Britney Spears carrying her kid potato-sack style at
the Kentucky Derby and running across the track in the middle of
the race. Upon opening the file, users see a picture of Britney's
mom running across the track in the middle of the race, carrying
Britney, which makes the user eject their dinner all over the
keyboard. This ejection is definitely virus based. Probably the
flu.
Fort Bellow: This virus sends a fake news release about
itself to everyone in your address book. "The virus is spread when
people read this sentence," it reads. [By the way, you just got
infected. Sorry about that. - JA] Also, it's a worm, not a
virus.
Smellovision: This exploit starts up Classic and uses so
many system resources it makes your processor overheat and smell
like a burnt omelet. It's actually not a worm, virus, or Trojan
horse. It's just a little program that calls itself "Smellovision"
and gets posted on shareware sites because the name sounds so
cool.
LITESIDE LUSER: This Trojan horse runs a little hypnosis
program that makes you forward a link to this story to everyone you
know. This Trojan horse is actually a Trojan horse, not a worm. Or
a virus. I think.
