The Lite Side

You Might Be a Mac Fanatic if...

- 2006.08.28

You might be a Mac fanatic if... hear "cloners" and think of Apple's passing fancy with licensing before you think of stem cells. Or Koreans. Or Windows PCs. Or clones (the biological kind).

...your desk collapses and destroys more than three Macs in working order. can assemble a complete working Mac computer from the parts of six broken ones around your house. know the difference between LocalTalk and AppleTalk. And AppleTalk vs. Bonjour. And Bonjour vs. whatever-over-IP. know that old Apple ADB cables are unshielded S-video cables. And you've used one to connect a video camera to a Mac - and used the camera to take a picture of its own cable. have an Apple sticker from a new Mac you bought on your car. And your bathroom mirror. And your vegetable drawer in the refrigerator. named your Mac's hard drive some cute name like "Froggy Bottom" instead of "C:" know how to access a dropdown menu with a one-button mouse. And a two button mouse. And using a keyboard. know that the Apple-splat key is called the Command key. You know that it actually means "interesting place". But you call it Open-Apple as opposed to Closed-Apple. ever talked anyone into buying a Mac instead of a PC. Which you demanded they return before you would offer to help pick a new Mac. don't remember your anniversary, but you know what date in 1984 the Mac was introduced. once wrote an essay for English class on the parallels between the 680x0 transition to PowerPC and the transition of PowerPC to Intel. And you got an A on it, because if it was so technical, it had to be good. learned about PCs just so you could explain in detail why they aren't as good as Macs. And then you bought a PC for the same reason. You even bought an extra copy of off-the-shelf Windows installers just to be legal about it and have a variety of operating systems to criticize. support of Apple, you refuse to wash the windows in your house just because of the association. ever argued with a thrift-store owner or yard salesman about the actual value of a Mac they were trying to sell too cheaply. More than once. On the same day. know who Leander Kahney is. And you have his book. And it's autographed. With a pen you got when visiting Apple HQ in Cupertino. obsessively write partisan columns for a website or newsletter, because you can't help yourself. No, not like this one. Dull, boring ones no one wants to read. ever criticized Dell for being "too cheap." And you still make fun of the "Dell Dude" even though he got fired. And everyone's forgotten about him anyway. involuntarily laugh every time "Microsoft" and "innovation" are mentioned in the same sentence. You once snorted milk through your nose for the same reason. And you had to buy a new keyboard because of it. know what the phrase "Monkeyboy" means in a computing context. You've seen more than one version of that famous video. And uploaded several to YouTube. Because it's new to someone. know the difference between Steve Ballmer, Steve Jobs, and Steve Wozniak. bought a Segway just because you want to be more like Woz. You dropped two syllables from your name for the same reason. Then you grew a beard. own one share of Apple stock. Which is framed. Above your diploma.'ve ever had a discussion with anyone about Macs while in a commercial setting such as an Apple Store. Or a CompUSA. Or a natural-foods grocery. carefully scan the PC-only software aisle for the few cross-platform titles there just to prove the salesperson wrong. And buy them just to support the cross-platform concept. Even though you've never played the games you bought and never intended to.'ve ever fixed a problem for a friend with a PC and mentioned you've never had that problem with your Mac. Except for that one time the motherboard died. Which you never admit to anyone but other Mac faithful.'ve ever posted online anywhere a sentence with the phrase "Mac" in it. In ALL CAPS. While colored RED. In a giant font. understand when the "i" is to be capitalized - and when it is not. know everyone in your office who owns a Mac at home, and who doesn't.

...your Christmas ornaments look like little Mac SE's. And Flower Power iMacs. And original Toilet-Lid iBooks.'ve ever read the contents of John Droz' Mac vs. PC site. All of it. Twice. In one day. bought an iPod just as an excuse so you'd "need" to get a Mac later to be more compatible with it. And a Newton, just to complete the trifecta. cried when you dropped your laptop (choke) . . . sorry, it's just so painful to remember.'d rather use a Performa or a Power Mac 5200 before you'd use a new Windows Vista-ready machine. Or even a Mac SE. Heck, you'd use an Apple IIc with a broken power cord before a Vista Machine. own more Macs than cars. And a greater proportion of the Macs are running. own more Macs than chairs. And more Macs than shoes. And more Macs than books (not counting the books about Macs).'ve given away more Macs than most people have ever seen in one place. Even in a Mac Lab. Next door to an Apple Store. keep your desk clean just to make it match the Mac on your desk better. And then lied about it. once did a search to try to find a virus to infect your Mac just to see what it was like. And couldn't find one. Or if you did, it didn't work right anyway. sent flowers to Steve Jobs when he was in the hospital. In person. That you grew yourself. In the shell of an old Mac II fx. read The Lite Side. And you've ever forwarded an article to someone. In the daytime when you were thinking clearly, not exhausted from staying up all night drinking Diet Coke with caffeine.

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