With Jaguar (OS X 10.2) preannounced and sitings of a
1 GHz PowerBook G4 as common as sites being blacklisted by
Macworld Expo, there's not much point to rumor mongering in the Apple
realm. But since I am Low End Mac's official rumor monger (it
says so on my business cards and on my official Macworld non-press
badge), I have to look to other sources.
None could be more ripe than Microsoft - pun fully
intended.
Microsoft used to be about good programming, like the
wonderful Applesoft BASIC and Olympic Decathlon games in the Apple II
era. But with the PC-DOS contract, Microsoft moved from real
products to vaporware, preannouncements, and other forms
of hype that turned it from a software company with a marketing
division into a marketing-driven company that makes
software.
Yes, you read right - marketing-driven. Microsoft is not driven by
the market; it is driven by marketing.
In the old days Microsoft was content to preannounce versions
of Word with all the new features Word Perfect had just announced,
getting buyers to postpone upgrading their copy of WP or switching to
WP - and hoping that WP users would be suckered into buying the
next copy of Word when it finally shipped with many of the promised
features, and some of those features well implemented.
Microsoft doesn't have to do that any more. Word had a
greater market share than Windows, thanks to Mac users. Excel is
totally dominant in the spreadsheet market. PowerPoint is
synonymous with presentation software, and Microsoft Access
(pathetic as it is on a network) has become a reason for some companies
to ditch the Mac in favor of Windows.
Over 90% of today's computers ship with Windows installed, the
Department of Justice has proved the Microsoft is guilty of
antitrust violations out the wazoo, and Microsoft goes on its
merry way toward increased domination of the Internet, ISP,
cable TV, and God only knows what other markets.
Count on it: MSN will eventually displace AOL as the world's number
one ISP, and Microsoft's cable "partners" will become a larger and
larger percentage of that industry. Microsoft's pockets are deep enough
to assure that.
Beyond Windows XP
All that is prologue to Windows XS, which will eclipse
Windows XP the way it destroyed the last vestiges of Windows NT and
Windows Me.
Windows XS will be modular, as demanded by the Department of
Justice, but it will fully incorporate .Net, Palladium,
and all the other "privacy" and "security" features MS
can dream up. And it will all be hosted by Microsoft Bob Jr.
Windows XS will redefine personal computing, corporate
computing, and Internet computing. That's how big it's going to be -
Big Brother big.
Using lessons learned while developing Xbox, Windows XS will
be able to run on a computer with no hard drive whatsoever.
None. Nadda. Zip. Zilch. Between a reprogrammable PRAM, flash memory,
and a system DVD-ROM, you'll have everything you need to connect to the
Internet via dialup, DSL, or cable modem or connect to an ethernet
network. And you'll be all ready to work.
Windows XS will include Office XS at no additional charge.
You'll have Word, Excel, PowerPoint, Internet Explorer,
Minesweeper, Solitaire, and all the other important MS software
on the system DVD-ROM. Everything at one low cost of entry. It'll make
building IE into the OS look trivial.
The flash memory on the XS Box (Microsoft's name for the new
non-Intel-based computer that will run WinXS) will store your ID,
passwords, and other personal information. All your other files will be
stored on your XS Disk hosted by MSN. Everything.
Microsoft will push this as the ultimate in security and
portability, since all of your files will be backed up at
multiple Microsoft servers around the globe - and you'll be able to
access them from any XS Box connected to the Internet. (And only from
an XS Box, so it's a good thing they'll be cheap.)
Although the XS Box will be able to speak TCP/IP and use standard
Internet protocols, at the heart of the whole scheme is MS/IP.
MS/IP will be a fully secure, fully scrambled, fully verifiable
protocol that will only work with the XS Box, versions of Windows XP
with a future security patch, and peripherals that license the MS/IP
stack from Microsoft. There will be absolutely no Mac, Linux, or Unix
support.
By hosting everything important on their servers, Microsoft will be
able to insure that none of your files or email contain Windows
viruses. They'll also be able to check whether your MP3s are
legal and if any of your pictures contain kiddie porn. They'll
also scan your documents for signs you might be an el Quaida operative
or neo-Nazi. And Microsoft Bob Jr will automatically report you to
Homeland Security, the CIA, the FBI, Echelon, SD-6, the K
directorate, the Illuminati, the RIAA, the MPAA, NeoPets, or Bill
Gates himself, depending on exactly what Bob Jr finds.
On the other hand, Microsoft will allow you to address copyright
infractions in real time by licensing unauthorized MP3s, WiMP
files, and other types of files protected by the Digital Millennium
Copyright Law. Microsoft will make arrangements with the RIAA,
MPAA, and other organizations authorizing them to legalize your files
via micropayments.
Oh, didn't I mention that MS Bank is also part of Windows XS?
To simplify handling micropayments in the various currencies in use
around the world, Microsoft has purchased banks in the U.S., Canada,
Europe, and several other large markets, creating MS Bank
International. The company hopes to eventually have banks for every
currency in use around the globe.
But it gets better. Rather than having to deal with fluctuating
exchange rates, MS Bank won't use dollars or Euros as their standard
currency. Instead, transactions will be handled electronically in
Microsoft Marks (MS Marks or MicroMarks for short), now that
Germany has abandoned the Deutchmark in favor of the Euro. It's
expected that there will initially be 10,000 MS Marks to a U.S. dollar,
immediately making Bill Gates a trillionaire.
In a related move, Microsoft has purchase MasterCard, which
will be renamed MS MasterCard (with typical Microsoft creativity).
Existing MasterCard credit and debit cards will continue to
function with their current currency, but when the expire they will be
replaced with cards that work exclusively in MS Marks. All MS
MasterCard accounts issued after January 1, 2003 will also be MS Marks
cards.
Also effective January 1, 2003, all software license fees, MSN fees,
and other fees due Microsoft may only be paid in MicroMarks - which are
not legal tender in the United States, which MS hopes will
exempt them from paying any future taxes, since the company will no
longer operate using any national currency.
All transactions, whether licensing an MP3 or paying for spam
blocking on your MSN Hotmail account, will incur a fee of 2 MS Marks -
one Mark for Microsoft and the other as a donation to the Bill and
Melinda Gates Foundation.
By moving from selling software to licensing it on an annual, then
monthly, then as-used basis, Microsoft expects to generate enough
income to either declare Washington a sovereign and independent state
or buy a few smaller nations, rebrand them (MS Cuba, anyone?),
and make one of them the official headquarters of Microsoft.
Windows XS and the XS Box will be a huge step in moving Microsoft
from a merely inconvenient monopoly into the kind of transnational
juggernaut that may eventually buy the United States in exchange
for financing the national debt.
Time will tell - but don't expect a word of confirmation from
Redmond.
Nor do I expect a press pass to the next WindExpo, whenever
that might be.
- Anne Onymus
