August 2001 – These prestigious Lite Side awards are hereby awarded to the award-winning awardees who won them.

Best Desk Accessory

A little blue iClock™ stuck on top of your iMac with a considerable amount of hot glue or Velcro™.

Worst Software from Classic Mac OS Found in OS X:

The calculator. It’s as worthless as ever.

Most Irrelevant Application of Apple Technology

Xtrem’s overclocked Mac in a Giant Toaster Microphone, rendered irrelevant by advances in Motorola Clock Speed and Enterprising Mac Users Who Know How to Overclock Their Own Machines – not to mention the finally shipping dual 800 MHz Power Mac G4.

Oldest Mac OS Feature Still Present in Mac OS X

The arrow cursor, unchanged since the Lisa.

Best PC “Innovation”

Intel’s 64-bit Itanium design means we can finally update the old tagline: “Windows (win-DOH-z), n. Operating system for 64-bit CPUs running 32-bit extensions and a graphical shell to a 16-bit patch to an 8-bit operating system originally coded for a 4-bit microprocessor which was used in a PC built by a two-bit company that couldn’t stand one bit of competition.”

Best Microprocessor Ad Ever

Homer Simpson (who more appropriate to reflect the Wintel world) gets Intel Inside.

Best iMac Ad Ever

The ad showing how few cables an iMac requires – before adding a USB printer, an iSub, a FireWire CD-RW drive, ethernet, and a USB hub.

Longest OS Boot Time on the Planet

Launching OS 9 so you can use the Startup Disk control panel to boot from OS X so you can run Windows on Virtual PC in Classic Mode. Total boot time: 17 minutes.

Best Use of Windows

SirCam virus. Windows users, do you have any clue which files it’s sent out and what others are doing with your password lists, business plans, budgets, and racy emails?

Most Underreported News from Macworld

Flower Power and Blue Dalmatian are history.

Most Ignored Feature of Mac OS X

Circular busy cursor is now colored (sometimes), not black and white.

Most Useful Time Standard

The “bounce” – as in That app launched in only three bounces, referring to the animated icon bouncing seen in the OS X Dock. Apple can now make OS X seem faster by making the bounce take a little longer with each update to OS X.

Best Catch

Digital camera caught by Apple tech during the Stevenote.

Most Embarrasing CEO

Steve Jobs might have won for the digicam tantrum, but Microsoft’s Steve Ballmer blew him away with his recent onstage antics.

Best Rumor That Won’t Die

The Still Unreleased After Three Years of Promises by Rumor Sites 17″ iMac.

Next Best Rumor That Won’t Die

__________ to buy Apple! (Fill in Sony, Disney, AOL/Time Warner, etc.)

Worst Rumors

Anything from Anne Onymus on The Rumor Mill. So far, she’s been wrong about everything from the G5 to the Borg suing Apple over the Cube.

Best Use of Legal System

The unending Microsoft antitrust trial.

Best Use of Department of Justice

The unending Microsoft antitrust trial.

Best Use of Monopoly Power

The unending Microsoft antitrust trial.

Best Two-Word Joke to Emerge from Microsoft Antitrust Trial

Microsoft innovation.

Best Way to Solve the Energy Crisis

Replace a power hungry Pentium PC and get an efficient PowerPC-based Mac.

Short link: http://goo.gl/QXlrOJ