In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and
thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of
your independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial
duties over all states, commonwealths, and other territories, except
Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Rt. Hon.
Tony Blair, MP, for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware
that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister
for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the
Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next
year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the
following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English
Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation
guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been
pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to
acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty
seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and
"you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. Look up "interspersed".
There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft
know on your behalf.
You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian
accents. It really isn't that hard.
Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors
as the good guys.
You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save
The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not
want you to get confused and give up halfway through.
You should stop playing American "football". There is only one
kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not
a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a
world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays
"American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and
should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best
if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you
brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is
similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for
a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour
like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby
sevens side by 2005.
The Russians have never been the bad guys.
July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a
new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called
"Indecisive Day".
All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is
for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will
understand what we mean.
Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us
crazy.
It's not the
iPod's fault, Frank Fox, Stop the Noiz, 03.31. Don't blame Apple
because it doesn't support moving your music library from your iPod to
your computer. Apple never claimed it could do that.
Best Xserve deals,
03.31. Used 2.0 GHz dual G5, $1,100; refurb 2.0 dual-core Xeon, $1,999;
2.66, $2,799; 3.0, $3,499; new 2.8 GHz quad, $2,849; 8-core, $3,349;
3.0, $4,188.
Best Mac OS X 10.5
'Leopard' deals, 03.31. Mac OS X 10.5.1 single user, $99; 5 users,
$139; 10.5 Server, 10 users, $450; unlimited, $899.
Mar. 31 in LEM history. 96: Apple
shuts down eWorld - 00: The carpenter's trade in the computer age - 03:
Quill gripless ergonomic mouse - Angry about OS X, upgrade pricing -
04: Is Apple up or down these days? - Upgraded Pismo or 14" iBook? -
05: Risk of meteorite impact for your Mac - 06: Thanks for 30 strange
years - Class action madness - MacBook beefs - Many G3 Macs now
considered vintage
Designing
a better laptop: Look to the past, John Hatchett, Recycled
Computing, 02.27. Modern Apple notebooks have less expansion and
upgrade options than G3 PowerBooks from a decade ago
PowerBook 150
still a winner, Carl Nygren, My Turn, 03.27. An ancient PowerBook
can be a great portable for word processing and email - and it can even
browse the Web.
LINK
POLICY: This site allows and encourages
links to any public page, so long as the linked page does not appear
within a frame that prevents bookmarking the linked page.
Low End
Mac is an independent publication and has
not been authorized, sponsored, or otherwise approved by Apple
Computer, Inc. Apple, the Apple logo, Macintosh, iMac, and iBook are
registered trademarks of Apple Computer, Inc. Additional company and
product names may be trademarks or registered trademarks of the
individual companies and are hereby acknowledged.
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