For a while, Apple was everyone's favorite beleaguered company. But
all that has changed, now that they have grown into a giant monster of
business.
What we once saw as spunky and brave is now evil and
anticompetitive. It seems like Apple has exchanged its badge for being
innovative for one that says "We want to harvest your soul."
How did this happen?
It wasn't just one bad turn. Apple has struggled for years to become
evil, and we'll show where they went wrong (or right, depending on your
point of view).
The iPhone, Source of Great Evil
When people started calling the iPhone the "Jesus phone", we should
have known that the antichrist had arrived. Seriously, people confusing
a phone for the savior of the world can only be a mark of the beast.
Everything Apple does with the iPhone has to be evil.
Initially Apple didn't want to open up the iPhone to third-party
applications. It wanted people to develop web apps instead. The funny
thing about web apps is that they are cross platform - you just need a
web browser and the Internet. (Can anyone say "cloud computing"?)
No, this wasn't good enough! Apple was evil for restricting free
access. People started jailbreaking their iPhones.
Then Apple relented, distributed a Software Developer Kit, and
opened the App Store. Apple not only allows for propriety native
applications; it they opened a store to help developers sell their
wares.
Everyone should be happy, but that doesn't stop the complaints.
Before, people didn't like the cross platform freedom of web apps; now
they complain about the "walled garden" used by Apple. Making a "walled
garden" is an evil attempt by Apple to recreate the Garden of Eden,
from which mankind was already banished (after eating an apple,
according to tradition).
Unfortunately for those people who are complaining, the iPhone App
Store scored one billion downloads in less than a year and has around
65,000 apps. The "walled garden" approach must be working. It's too bad
that the whole idea is evil. But all the warnings about Apple's evil
approach did nothing to stop the growth.
When Apple forced developers to use an open platform, it was wrong,
and if Apple controls a proprietary platform as a responsible business,
that is evil and controlling. Sadly, every choice Apple makes turns out
to be evil.
Reject or Not Reject?
Apple has tried to create its own version of the Garden of Eden
called the App Store. Naturally, they wanted to keep the snakes out.
Now if Steve Jobs were Irish, he would have hired St. Patrick to rid
the store of snakes. Instead, Apple gets to randomly reject or accept
apps based on how closely they resemble snakes.
For example, a fart app closely resembles a snake, so Apple rejected
the app from its store. Sudden Apple is acting like a big bully. What
is the harm, and where is its sense of humor? This app isn't a snake;
it is more of a disgusting worm and is harmless. So Apple reverses
itself and allows disgusting worms in the store.
For a short while, Apple was holding its nose and letting all the
disgusting worms into the App Store, until something got through that
wasn't really a worm. That's right, folks - Apple let in a Baby Shaking
app that looked like a disgusting worm, but it was in fact a snake in
disguise. The evilness of this was too great, and Apple had to repent
by kicking the app out and apologize for letting the Baby Shaking app
into the Eden.
This caused more trouble, because sorting worms from snakes is
harder to do than simply rejecting anything that resembles a snake.
This increased the bureaucracy of app approval and greatly slowed down
approvals. Everyone knows that bureaucracy is evil; that is why we all
hate government.
Apple is piling on the evil like a hungry person at the buffet
line.
Google and Apple
With Apple's growing intent on being evil, they are going to have
trouble with Google. Google is the company whose slogan is "Don't be
evil." It won't be long until Apple seduces Google to the dark side.
Soon Google's slogan will be "Don't be evil unless you can make a
billion dollars from doing it." (Google will then be forced to drop
this new slogan, because it's too long. Then its slogan will be
"Billions don't make companies evil; people do.")
How has Apple seduced Google? Google creates an app, Google Mobile,
that uses a hidden API in violation of the developer rules. Google
Mobile was steeped in evil from the moment it used a forbidden API.
Let's not forget to point out that Google's Eric Schmidt was on
Apple's board. It is easy to see that Apple and Google were too cozy,
and Apple was encouraging Google to break the rules.
Next thing we learn is that Apple has turned into the evil jealous
wife and rebukes Google for trying to compete with it - or possibly
AT&T was behind it, no one knows for sure. Suddenly that cozy
relationship was over, and jealous Apple has kicked Google Voice out
the door. Apple then takes its jealous rage out on other developers who
planned to profit from the shunned suitor.
Hell hath no fury like an Apple company faced with competition.
Apple is able to double its evilness both by allowing a Google app
and then later rejecting a different Google app. Google's goodness
points out how evil Apple has become. It is no wonder that Schmidt had
to leave Apple's board, before he became forever tainted by Apple's
evilness.
Terrible Hiring Practices?
Apple turned its greedy eyes to IBM, where they saw a potential new
champion of their evil ways. Apple hired Mark Papermaster. IBM sued
Apple in an effort to save Mark from Apple. It took from Nov. 2008
until April 2009 for the lawyers to negotiate a contract for Mark's
soul. (Note: You should always use a lawyer when negotiating the sale
of your soul. It's not much different from buying or selling a house.)
Mark agrees to check in with IBM every few months to swear that his
soul is still safe.
We can pretend that this was about IBM not wanting to lose trade
secrets to Apple, but it couldn't be. Remember, folks, this is in
California, a state that doesn't recognize noncompete clauses in
contracts. Also, IBM doesn't make personal computers, MP3 players,
phones, or run a music store.
That's a lot of trouble from a company you don't really compete
with. Obviously the lawsuit was just a cover story for something more
serious.
After this battle, Apple pledged not to steal any of Google's
employees. Stealing is bad, and Google doesn't want to be found doing
bad things and hurt their reputation. The agreement didn't prevent
individual employees from applying at either place; they just couldn't
send out the "head hunters" looking for you.
It turns out that not stealing employees from each other is evil in
the eyes of the FTC. It wants Apple and Google to be at each other's
throat at all times, like Cain and Abel. (What they are supposed to
compete over isn't clear. Apple sells electronics and Google sells ads.
Somehow they are competitors.) This helps Apple improve its evil
rating, but Google is protected because it will be following the law.
Apple can now start stealing employees from a close business partner
with the blessing of the FTC. (The FTC must have a secret pact with
Satan that no one talks about.)
Evil at Every Turn
It hasn't been easy for Apple to turn completely evil, but it has
managed to make every decision count. On every side of the issue, both
when it is for or against something, its actions have been evil.
When you think about it, that is pretty amazing.
Who knows what future evil Apple has planned on their road to world
domination? I know that many groups - including PC makers, music
executives, TV executives, Hollywood executives, Walmart, and Steve
Ballmer - are scared of Apple. When evil people fear you, you have to
be really darn evil.
We can only hope that somewhere a champion will arise who is brave
enough to fight against the tyranny of Apple.
