Every year the rumoristas try to predict what Apple will produce at
the next Macworld Expo.
Rumors of 30" screens, iPods capable of carrying your entire
home directory, and a new Cube design with a tiny
integrated screen abound.
Not to be outdone, the Lite Side
interviewed a number of rumoristas and asked, "What do you see Apple
releasing at Macworld in January?"
Unfortunately, we asked them all at the same time, and they wanted
to play a little one-upmanship game. Thus, instead of thoughtful and
reasoned analysis, you get the Lite Side's
Competing Rumors for Macworld 2004
Lite Side: So, what do you guys see as possible for Macworld
SF 2004? What's Steve going to announce?
MacRumors: Well, I heard they were going to bump the G5 up to
2.4 GHz.
MacOSRumors: No, it's 3 GHz for sure.
Crazy Apple Rumors: You guys are full of it. We're predicting
12 GHz or we'll eat Steve's turtleneck dickey.
AppleTurns: You know, Mr.
Brady wore dickeys
all the time on The Brady Bunch.
Think Secret: Actually, Apple is planning on abandoning
serial processors altogether and going with massively parallel
processors based on the success of that place in North Carolina.
AppleInsider: I think that's Virginia.
Think Secret: Whatever.
Anne Onymus: You've all got it wrong. They're going to come
out with a new X86 terahertz processor, and they're going to have it
before any PC gets it. What a brilliant marketing move.
MacOSRumors: Are you making fun of us?
Slashdot: Anne Onymus is reporting the world's first
terahertz personal computer. Post your comments here, on my
forehead.
MacRumors: Let's get back to reality, if we can.
AppleTurns: Reality TV is nothing compared to this.
Think Secret: No, I'm serious. Just look, with only 1000
Power Macs they cracked the Top 10 supercomputer list; if they put them
all in the same case and cooled it cryogenically, it would only be the
size of a large refrigerator.
AppleInsider: You've been drinking something.
Lite Side: Apple cider?
CARS: You know, I always wanted a dickey.
AppleTurns: If any of our viewers out there know of a good
source of dickeys, let us know. These guys need help, and they need it
now.
CARS: I think Think Secret's on to something.
MacRumors: (taking notes) Think Secret's on something. Got
it.
Anne Onymus: It'll be a terahertz processor, with a Googol of
memory. Trust me. I know from whence I speak.
Slashdot: She said "whence." Ha ha.
AppleInsider: No, you've got it wrong. It'll be a Googolplex
of processors each running at a terahertz.
CARS: Do they own the Hertz or do they rent it at the
airport?
- (everyone laughs)
Lite Side: Gee, I wish I was as funny as that drunk guy over
there.
Anne Onymus: I'm not a guy.
Lite Side: I wasn't talking to you.
MacRumors: What I want to know is why you think you can get
away with stealing my name. (points to MacOSRumors)
MacOSRumors: Huh?
MacRumors: I said, I wants to know why you think you can get
away with stealin . . . my . . . name. I'm callin'
you out, OS.
MacOSRumors: Huh?
Lite Side: Take it outside, bozos.
AppleTurns: This is just like that episode of the A-Team where they
drugged Mr. T in order to get him on the plane.
Slashdot: This IZ nothing like tht, u mrn.
CARS: Dateline: Cupertino. MacRumors has been arrested for
verbally assaulting MacOSRumors after MacOSRumors beat the crap out of
MacRumors. Film at 11.
Lite Side: If we can be serious for a minute, we were talking
about predictions for Macworld.
Think Secret: Who is this guy, anyway?
Anne Onymus: He writes for the Lite Side. That's on Low End Mac.
Slashdot: At last we know what the "low end" of LEM comes
from.
Lite Side: Let's not get personal.
Slashdot: Sorry, just trolling. Old habits die hard.
AppleInsider: I predict that Steve Jobs will create an entire
computer on an iPod; you can listen to music with it or hook it up to a
monitor and keyboard and call it your computer.
Anne Onymus: Hey . . . that's not a bad idea. I
think I'll write that up.
- (sound of thundering hoof beats.)
Lite Side: Well, that ends this preview of Macworld. All the
rumoristas are off pounding out new rumors. As for me, I have only one
prediction: None of this crowd is getting into Macworld on a press
pass.
'Later, gators!
