The Lite Side

Apple's New Ads: Spokespeople for Other Operating Systems

- 2006.05.04

Apple's new series of ads has inspired me to seek out other notable actors - well, let's say, actors you've seen somewhere but you're not quite sure where.

Oh really? The Daily Show? Wow - anyway, there are more than two operating systems, right? Right? So we need other operating system representatives to , um, represent them.

Yes, I know the Apple ad never comes out and says Windows, but we all know who they're talking about, right? Right?

That's why the Lite Side OS (abbreviated L-SOS, otherwise known as the "ol' sauce" has a README.TXT file that contains this list of actors recommended to represent the following list of operating systems, distilled from the Wikipedia list of operating systems.

This is of course what we like to call:

The Kernel of Truthiness: Operating System Spokespeeps

  • C/PM: One of the twins from Full House. Not that one, the other one. The cuter one. Everyone likes Ashley, but no one talks about her much.
  • MS-DOS: Obviously, this should be Ben Stein. Goes without saying.
  • Windows Me: Tom Cruise, because it's all about ME, ME, ME.
  • Windows 3.1: Ed Asner after Mary Tyler Moore but before the end of Lou Grant, before he got all touchy-feely and Hollywoodish. Gruff enough to be convincingly practical, cynical enough to appreciate the user interface just because it was the last thing developed for the OS (obviously).
  • Mac OS 9: Alan Alda - fond memories but getting long in the tooth.
  • Mac OS 6: Johnny Carson, because nothing brings back memories like the classics.
  • OS/2: Ed McMahon, because nothing says "second fiddle" like Ed's guffaw.
  • BeOS: An unnamed US Army soldier urging us to BeOS all we can Be.
  • Microsoft Bob: Rush Limbaugh, because using it was like taking a bad trip.
  • Windows CE: Clint Eastwood, because he's got that great WinCE.
  • NewtonOS: Paula Abdul. Read into that whatever you like.
  • PalmOS: Tom Hanks. Just the right touch of righteous indignation that it isn't more popular.
  • TOS (Tramiel Operating System): Tori Spelling. Both have a hint of family connections pushed just a little too far - and a nice symmetry with the initials: ToS.
  • NeXTstep: Gregory Hines; insert obligatory tap-dance joke here.
  • Solaris: Charlton Heston. I want my two hours back. Oh, waitaminit . . . that was Solar Crisis. Nevermind. I was thinking of that one movie with that one guy from Jurassic Park. No, wait. That was Event Horizon. I know this was a movie, but lemme see . . . (sound of googling) . . . oh yeah, George Clooney. That's the guy from Solaris. Get it?
  • Linux: Arnold Schwartzenegger. Just to hear him pronounce it. Or maybe David Spade. He's got that fanboy attitude, just the right level of sneer regarding the Ignorant Masses.
  • PR1ME: Larry King. Both of them well past their prime.

That's all I've got. You guys at Slashdot had better link to this . . . I wrote it and dedicated it to you. I'm sure you could figure out appropriate representatives for every OS listed on Wikipedia. Go ahead. Try. I dare ya.

You gotta just ask yourself, "Do you feel lucky, punk?"

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