- 2006.06.06
REDMOND - Recent news accounts suggesting that Microsoft will
purchase eBay are not
true, according to online bloggers. Despite a flurry of rumors and
news items about Microsoft purchasing such diverse companies as
Softricity,
Third Screen Media, and
Groove), Microsoft will not be purchasing eBay because it
already owns it through a subsidiary, eBayProxy.com.
Microsoft officials were surprised at the announcement, because
they had, in fact, been planning to purchase eBay in a leveraged
buyout. Upon discovering that Microsoft already owned the online
auction giant, the company began seeking other properties it might
purchase.
Despite vigorously searching for new targets, the company has
been unable to identify any other companies it wants that it does
not already own. Notable exceptions are Apple, which is Microsoft's Antitrust
Poison Pill, and Sun, which
Microsoft thinks is worthless and will not purchase out of general
spite, according to Microsoftrumorsource.com.
"Microsoft's casting about looking for some new properties to
reinvigorate the company and expand its markets," according to the
site's resident pundit Smayles Morehouse. "The problem is, nothing
is left worth buying."
Most companies would jump at the chance at becoming a Microsoft
property, because the owners of the acquired companies could
retire, according to Morehouse.
Companies with a creative vein are loathe to "sell out," at
least at first, but the temptation of instant retirement cash is
too tempting for burned-out dot-commers. "Look what happened to
Bungie," said Morehouse. "One of the more creative game companies
on the planet, known as trend setters and innovators, was turned
into a Halo sequel machine by Microsoft."
Faced with a wasteland of deliberately non-creative companies
seeking to protect themselves from the Juggernaut of Redmond,
Microsoft has only one real choice, according to Sheila Welph of
Golberg, Seaman, Sachs, and Longfister, an options trading company
specializing in futures depreciation of companies about to be
purchased by Microsoft. "Microsoft's only remaining option in this
market is to purchase itself," according to Welph.
"The integration of Microsoft's engineering talent pool with its
superior management structure should make for a burst of creativity
unlike anything seen since the introduction of the iMac by Apple," she continued. "If
Microsoft purchases Microsoft, there will be opportunities for
layoffs, cost cutting - nearly every position will be duplicated
with something, so you can let half of your people go in a massive
layoff that will spur the stock price even higher than it is now,"
she predicted.
"And imagine the synergy of having Microsoft's management
actually talk to the engineering staff for a day or two as they
reorganize. God knows they don't now. Maybe if they bought
themselves it would spur a reorg the likes of which the world has
not seen since . . . well, the world hasn't seen one this
big. I can tell you that right now."
"If you thought Steve Ballmer was a monkeyboy before," said
Morehouse, "just wait until he gets to fire Bill Gates because he's
redundant with William Gates. The rafters will rattle, and Steve-O
is going to need another new shirt, mark my words."
Representatives from Microsoft, eBay, and Apple were contacted
for this story but issued statements that were filled with
invective and profanity and had no direct bearing on the content of
this story.
