The Lite Side

Microsoft Out of Acquisition Targets, May Acquire Self

- 2006.06.06

REDMOND - Recent news accounts suggesting that Microsoft will purchase eBay are not true, according to online bloggers. Despite a flurry of rumors and news items about Microsoft purchasing such diverse companies as Softricity, Third Screen Media, and Groove), Microsoft will not be purchasing eBay because it already owns it through a subsidiary,

Microsoft officials were surprised at the announcement, because they had, in fact, been planning to purchase eBay in a leveraged buyout. Upon discovering that Microsoft already owned the online auction giant, the company began seeking other properties it might purchase.

Despite vigorously searching for new targets, the company has been unable to identify any other companies it wants that it does not already own. Notable exceptions are Apple, which is Microsoft's Antitrust Poison Pill, and Sun, which Microsoft thinks is worthless and will not purchase out of general spite, according to

"Microsoft's casting about looking for some new properties to reinvigorate the company and expand its markets," according to the site's resident pundit Smayles Morehouse. "The problem is, nothing is left worth buying."

Most companies would jump at the chance at becoming a Microsoft property, because the owners of the acquired companies could retire, according to Morehouse.

Companies with a creative vein are loathe to "sell out," at least at first, but the temptation of instant retirement cash is too tempting for burned-out dot-commers. "Look what happened to Bungie," said Morehouse. "One of the more creative game companies on the planet, known as trend setters and innovators, was turned into a Halo sequel machine by Microsoft."

Faced with a wasteland of deliberately non-creative companies seeking to protect themselves from the Juggernaut of Redmond, Microsoft has only one real choice, according to Sheila Welph of Golberg, Seaman, Sachs, and Longfister, an options trading company specializing in futures depreciation of companies about to be purchased by Microsoft. "Microsoft's only remaining option in this market is to purchase itself," according to Welph.

"The integration of Microsoft's engineering talent pool with its superior management structure should make for a burst of creativity unlike anything seen since the introduction of the iMac by Apple," she continued. "If Microsoft purchases Microsoft, there will be opportunities for layoffs, cost cutting - nearly every position will be duplicated with something, so you can let half of your people go in a massive layoff that will spur the stock price even higher than it is now," she predicted.

"And imagine the synergy of having Microsoft's management actually talk to the engineering staff for a day or two as they reorganize. God knows they don't now. Maybe if they bought themselves it would spur a reorg the likes of which the world has not seen since . . . well, the world hasn't seen one this big. I can tell you that right now."

"If you thought Steve Ballmer was a monkeyboy before," said Morehouse, "just wait until he gets to fire Bill Gates because he's redundant with William Gates. The rafters will rattle, and Steve-O is going to need another new shirt, mark my words."

Representatives from Microsoft, eBay, and Apple were contacted for this story but issued statements that were filled with invective and profanity and had no direct bearing on the content of this story.

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