Stop the Noiz

Apple's Path to Evil Has Not Been Easy

Frank Fox - 2009.08.14 - Tip Jar

For a while, Apple was everyone's favorite beleaguered company. But all that has changed, now that they have grown into a giant monster of business.

What we once saw as spunky and brave is now evil and anticompetitive. It seems like Apple has exchanged its badge for being innovative for one that says "We want to harvest your soul."

How did this happen?

It wasn't just one bad turn. Apple has struggled for years to become evil, and we'll show where they went wrong (or right, depending on your point of view).

The iPhone, Source of Great Evil

When people started calling the iPhone the "Jesus phone", we should have known that the antichrist had arrived. Seriously, people confusing a phone for the savior of the world can only be a mark of the beast. Everything Apple does with the iPhone has to be evil.

Initially Apple didn't want to open up the iPhone to third-party applications. It wanted people to develop web apps instead. The funny thing about web apps is that they are cross platform - you just need a web browser and the Internet. (Can anyone say "cloud computing"?)

No, this wasn't good enough! Apple was evil for restricting free access. People started jailbreaking their iPhones.

Then Apple relented, distributed a Software Developer Kit, and opened the App Store. Apple not only allows for propriety native applications; it they opened a store to help developers sell their wares.

Everyone should be happy, but that doesn't stop the complaints. Before, people didn't like the cross platform freedom of web apps; now they complain about the "walled garden" used by Apple. Making a "walled garden" is an evil attempt by Apple to recreate the Garden of Eden, from which mankind was already banished (after eating an apple, according to tradition).

Unfortunately for those people who are complaining, the iPhone App Store scored one billion downloads in less than a year and has around 65,000 apps. The "walled garden" approach must be working. It's too bad that the whole idea is evil. But all the warnings about Apple's evil approach did nothing to stop the growth.

When Apple forced developers to use an open platform, it was wrong, and if Apple controls a proprietary platform as a responsible business, that is evil and controlling. Sadly, every choice Apple makes turns out to be evil.

Reject or Not Reject?

Apple has tried to create its own version of the Garden of Eden called the App Store. Naturally, they wanted to keep the snakes out. Now if Steve Jobs were Irish, he would have hired St. Patrick to rid the store of snakes. Instead, Apple gets to randomly reject or accept apps based on how closely they resemble snakes.

For example, a fart app closely resembles a snake, so Apple rejected the app from its store. Sudden Apple is acting like a big bully. What is the harm, and where is its sense of humor? This app isn't a snake; it is more of a disgusting worm and is harmless. So Apple reverses itself and allows disgusting worms in the store.

For a short while, Apple was holding its nose and letting all the disgusting worms into the App Store, until something got through that wasn't really a worm. That's right, folks - Apple let in a Baby Shaking app that looked like a disgusting worm, but it was in fact a snake in disguise. The evilness of this was too great, and Apple had to repent by kicking the app out and apologize for letting the Baby Shaking app into the Eden.

This caused more trouble, because sorting worms from snakes is harder to do than simply rejecting anything that resembles a snake. This increased the bureaucracy of app approval and greatly slowed down approvals. Everyone knows that bureaucracy is evil; that is why we all hate government.

Apple is piling on the evil like a hungry person at the buffet line.

Google and Apple

With Apple's growing intent on being evil, they are going to have trouble with Google. Google is the company whose slogan is "Don't be evil." It won't be long until Apple seduces Google to the dark side. Soon Google's slogan will be "Don't be evil unless you can make a billion dollars from doing it." (Google will then be forced to drop this new slogan, because it's too long. Then its slogan will be "Billions don't make companies evil; people do.")

How has Apple seduced Google? Google creates an app, Google Mobile, that uses a hidden API in violation of the developer rules. Google Mobile was steeped in evil from the moment it used a forbidden API.

Let's not forget to point out that Google's Eric Schmidt was on Apple's board. It is easy to see that Apple and Google were too cozy, and Apple was encouraging Google to break the rules.

Next thing we learn is that Apple has turned into the evil jealous wife and rebukes Google for trying to compete with it - or possibly AT&T was behind it, no one knows for sure. Suddenly that cozy relationship was over, and jealous Apple has kicked Google Voice out the door. Apple then takes its jealous rage out on other developers who planned to profit from the shunned suitor.

Hell hath no fury like an Apple company faced with competition.

Apple is able to double its evilness both by allowing a Google app and then later rejecting a different Google app. Google's goodness points out how evil Apple has become. It is no wonder that Schmidt had to leave Apple's board, before he became forever tainted by Apple's evilness.

Terrible Hiring Practices?

Apple turned its greedy eyes to IBM, where they saw a potential new champion of their evil ways. Apple hired Mark Papermaster. IBM sued Apple in an effort to save Mark from Apple. It took from Nov. 2008 until April 2009 for the lawyers to negotiate a contract for Mark's soul. (Note: You should always use a lawyer when negotiating the sale of your soul. It's not much different from buying or selling a house.) Mark agrees to check in with IBM every few months to swear that his soul is still safe.

We can pretend that this was about IBM not wanting to lose trade secrets to Apple, but it couldn't be. Remember, folks, this is in California, a state that doesn't recognize noncompete clauses in contracts. Also, IBM doesn't make personal computers, MP3 players, phones, or run a music store.

That's a lot of trouble from a company you don't really compete with. Obviously the lawsuit was just a cover story for something more serious.

After this battle, Apple pledged not to steal any of Google's employees. Stealing is bad, and Google doesn't want to be found doing bad things and hurt their reputation. The agreement didn't prevent individual employees from applying at either place; they just couldn't send out the "head hunters" looking for you.

It turns out that not stealing employees from each other is evil in the eyes of the FTC. It wants Apple and Google to be at each other's throat at all times, like Cain and Abel. (What they are supposed to compete over isn't clear. Apple sells electronics and Google sells ads. Somehow they are competitors.) This helps Apple improve its evil rating, but Google is protected because it will be following the law. Apple can now start stealing employees from a close business partner with the blessing of the FTC. (The FTC must have a secret pact with Satan that no one talks about.)

Evil at Every Turn

It hasn't been easy for Apple to turn completely evil, but it has managed to make every decision count. On every side of the issue, both when it is for or against something, its actions have been evil.

When you think about it, that is pretty amazing.

Who knows what future evil Apple has planned on their road to world domination? I know that many groups - including PC makers, music executives, TV executives, Hollywood executives, Walmart, and Steve Ballmer - are scared of Apple. When evil people fear you, you have to be really darn evil.

We can only hope that somewhere a champion will arise who is brave enough to fight against the tyranny of Apple. LEM

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