Microsoft's Business Plans Affected by Weather, says researcher
University of Manitoba, Canada: Researchers here have determined
exactly why Microsoft's products have frequent security issues, cause
untold problems when installing new software and hardware, and why
Redmond has instituted a series of new, unpopular policies that only a
monopolist could get away with (such as expirations on Office XP
software and Passport Privacy Tracking).
Forget the conspiracy theories, the inside stories of rivalry
between Bill Gates and former pal Steve Jobs, the rumors of Bill's
secret desire to win back respect lost as a high school teenager - all
those theories are washed away by the conclusions drawn by Quinton
Moebius, senior computer science professor at M.U.C.
"It's the low barometric pressure," according to Moebius.
According to Moebius, the poor weather in Seattle (and nearby
Redmond) is caused by a near-perpetual low-pressure system in the
American Northwest, which draws cold arctic air from the north and warm
air from the ocean, causing the supersaturated arctic air to condense
into clouds, fog, rain, drizzle, sleet, mist, haze, snow, frost, dew,
and condensation on the interior of car windshields. It contributes to
generally overcast skies.
"Studies also show that months of cloudy weather contribute to poor
worker efficiency, depression, and even higher rates of suicide than
can be attributed to working for the world's largest illegal monopoly,"
said Moebius.
This low air pressure cannot be alleviated, mainly because we don't
have the technology. "The simplest solution is for Microsoft to move to
Arizona - or maybe New Mexico," said Moebius. "The change would do them
good." One possible downside: Bill Gates' enormous home. "They'll need
to float it down south on an iceberg or something," said Moebius. "I
wouldn't put it past him."
Officials for Microsoft did not return messages in time to be
included in this story, but a spokesperson for the company's snack
machine vendor, Claude Leatherbottom, did acknowledge that there might
be something to the story. "My ears pop every time I go near Redmond,"
he said.
"Microsoft doesn't suck," concluded Leatherbottom. "It just
experiences extremely low air pressure."
