You thought carpal tunnel was bad? Just look what's waiting for you
in the wings:
Dellmentia: This rare condition occurs to users who think the
Sleepy Eyed Slacker Guy on Dell's television advertising is a
knowledgeable, expert computer technician. After purchasing the Dell,
they often let their brother-in-law borrow the car with no deadline on
when it must be returned. They get their dentist from 1-800-DENTIST,
weep when the lady says, "I've fallen, and I can't get up," and believe
that Pokémon are real.
Punditrella (PUN-dit-rella) Syndrome: A belief that
everything you read about the Mac that is posted after midnight will
always come true, given enough time.
Allheinz's Disease: A condition which comes from incessant
game playing to the point where the only thing left in the house is
ketchup. Eating too much ketchup without any other food causes acid
buildup in the intestines. The side effects are . . . well,
let's just say it's unpleasant and leave it at that.
Unintendonitis: A condition caused by unknowingly infecting
everyone in your department by bringing a virus-laden floppy disk or CD
to work - or opening an infected email using a Microsoft email client
on a Windows computer. Symptoms include irritability, loss of memory,
confusion, and a tendency to shred documents. Interestingly, Mac users
can be carriers of this disease, but cannot catch it themselves.
Wintel Monodigm Fugue: You know the look a rabid animal has
when you hit it with a shovel? Well, maybe you don't, but it's the look
that an experienced Wintel user who has never used a Mac gets when you
declare you don't use Windows for ethical, logistical, security, or
aesthetic reasons. These are the people who ask if they make Windows
for the Mac. They turn their heads very slowly, as if just realizing
for the first time that driving with your headlights on actually
reduces your gas mileage. Then they blink, once, twice, three times.
Then they ask you to repeat what you said; and you finally have to
explain how computers work to them. Several times. Severe cases require
a towel to wipe the foam from their lips. The fugue is temporary; it
ends when the victim starts talking about market share and what
software is available from Staples or Office Depot. People who are
unable to make smooth paradigm shifts are particularly vulnerable.
Compatibility Crisis: This condition occurs when the user
can't make a document on a Mac open up properly on a PC. It's
uncurable; doses of identical cross-platform versions of Microsoft
Office alleviate the symptoms but do not cure the condition. A light
therapy of MacLink Plus will occasionally clear up the condition for a
few days, but a regression occurs when a document shows up that does
not retain its formatting from platform to platform even if the words
are readable. Victims develop an eye twitch, and may lose control of
one side of their face (often mistaken for a stroke). Loss of color,
lack of emphasis, and smoothing of indentations are other symptoms.
Central Digital Hyperextension Seizures (cramps of the middle
finger from overuse): Occurs when users of two-button mice with overly
sensitive dorsal scroll wheels keep the middle finger suspended while
clicking left and right buttons repeatedly. A similar condition occurs
to Mac users in an all-Wintel workplace, but is unrelated to mouse
controls. Related to Secret Office Guy Syndrome, but
that is more of a mental condition.
Secret Office
Guy Syndrome: Suffered by individual Mac users in an
office full of Mac haters, the symptoms include an unrelenting urge to
tell people about your troubles while lacking the will to do something
about it. Eventually leads to ulcers, eye twitching, compulsory
purchases of Connectix products, and schizophrenia.
Torvaldic Shock Syndrome: Comes from reading Linux manuals
late at night while debating mentally whether you should get out of bed
to finish slicing that one last bit of code. With one leg out of bed,
and one leg in, the most common symptom is injury due to falling out of
the bed - or suddenly waking up as you fall.
Low Enderoids: The body's temperature rises in reaction to
stress. Occurs when you're trying to decide whether it's more cost
effective to upgrade your low-end Mac or buy a whole new machine. The
only known cure it to upgrade your Mac and buy a new one at the
same time.
OSchitzophrenia (oh-ess-KIT-zo-free-knee-uh): Inability to
decide whether or not to stick with OS 9 or switch to X. The
victim often uses one for a while, then switches back, and continues
waffling until the next Software Update. Scientists at 1 Infinite
Loop are working on a cure, which they think may be ready in three to
five years - total withdrawal of Classic Mode, they say, is your only
hope.
X-ema: Unreasoning resistance to OS X from an OS 9 user.
Causes a rash which can only be cured with a brand new flat panel iMac. Oddly,
everyone you know says they have X-ema. Even I have X-ema. So send me a
new flat-panel iMac. You'll feel better, and so will I.
