Everyone's read an email from someone, somewhere, that pokes fun of
computers by comparing them to cars, for example. But honestly, aren't
there a few things that computers do better than some of the reluctant
machinery in our lives? Of course there are! And after I've had a few
more Nutty Bars, I'll remember what they are and record them for you on
the Lite Side's
If Computers Were Like Home Appliances
If your computer were like your VCR, it would blink 12:00 even when
it was off, and it would eat your disks every now and then, mangling
the surface beyond repair. Oddly, you would accept this as normal.
If your computer were like your bathroom mirror, everyone would tell
you it works great, but you'd still be disappointed in the results you
get when you use it yourself.
If your computer were like your exercise bike, you would spend
hundreds of useless hours on it for no apparent effect. You would
accomplish nothing, get nowhere, and wear yourself out doing it.
If your computer were like your microwave, you could make it spark
and smoke by putting a fork in the drive slot.
If your computer were like your dishwasher, things you tried to
erase would leave behind data fragments that would pop up whenever you
had guests over to use your computer. These data fragments would be
embarrassing, and you would find it difficult to explain those which
had a strong resemblance to Claudia Schiffer.
If your computer were like your washing machine, you would cram
stuff in it until you couldn't fit anything more - and then complain
when the hard drive makes a vibrating and grinding noise so loud it
makes your computer "walk" towards the edge of your desk. If you don't
correct the problem, it will eventually pull the plug out of the wall
and spill electricity all over the floor.
If your computer were like your FOOD SAVR VACU-SUCK device, you
would use it once, freeze whatever you made with it, and put it in a
closet never to be seen again.
If your computer were like your car's cup holder, the one time you
really needed it to hold a hot, heavy cup, it would break and spill hot
coffee all over your new pants. Note: the CD-ROM is not a cup
holder. It's not suitable for one even if the drive doesn't work.
If your computer were like your freezer, it would work reliably for
years, but occasionally you would forget to close the CD-ROM tray,
which would make the interior overheat and erase your hard drive,
causing you to start over from scratch.
If your computer were like your lawn mower, it would work best when
level and would make odd grinding noises, spill noxious liquids when
tilted, and always require additional batteries to finish a job half
done. The place that sells batteries will be closed on those occasions
when you actually have time to use it.
If your computer were like your TV, it would work reliably for
years, but the picture would always be a little fuzzy and a little on
the green side, no matter how much you fiddled with those mysterious
knobs in the back. Oh, and your neighbor will undoubtedly have a larger
one.
So next time you're complaining about your computer's performance,
just remember this tip from the Lite Side: It could be worse. Oh
yeah.
