LS: We're here today with Blitz Schmelnick, the person behind the
new Gateway ads that directly attack the G4 iMac. Welcome to the
Lite Side, Mr. Schmelnick.
BS: Thank you.
LS: What is your position with Gateway?
BS: I'm executive vice president in charge of Anti-Apple
Advertising.
LS: Seems a pretty narrow focus for a department that gets its own
executive vice president.
BS: (pauses) I'm not following you.
LS: I mean, it seems like it wouldn't require an executive vice
president to be in charge of that.
BS: (pauses) Sorry, I'm still not getting what you're trying to
say.
LS: What I mean is - oh, never mind. Let me ask you about your new
Profile all-in-one advertising campaign.
BS: Yes, I'm particularly proud of that because I thought it all up
by myself.
LS: I'm sure you did. Now it may be true that you have designed a
machine which has numerical superiority in all of the important
advertising terms for computers - more RAM, more hard drive space, more
MHz, for example.
BS: Not more expensive. It's cheaper than an iMac, too. And taller.
And it weighs more.
LS: I'm sure. However, since these things are self-evident, let us
proceed to some other 
topics, if you don't mind.
BS: Okay.
LS: Tell us, for example, what drugs your designers were using when
they first sketched this butt-ugly machine.
BS: That would be co - hey, wait a minute! Our machine isn't butt
ugly!
LS: Some things can't be denied, sir. Also, who did your computer
animation? Because, frankly, it sucks big time. Looks like something
done by those guys who did Beast Wars Transformers.
BS: Well, we did it using our most powerful computers....
LS: You should have hired Pixar. I'm sure they could have done
something creative with it. You didn't make the ad on a Profile?
BS: No.
LS: It sure as heck looks like you did. Anyway, we've got a couple
more questions for you. Why didn't you address the fundamental
advantage of the Macintosh? I mean, anyone can buy RAM, right? What
about the OS?
BS: The what?
LS: You know, the OS. Windows vs. the Mac OS. The operating
system.
BS: I'm not following you. Don't iMacs use Windows?
LS: (drops notepad, falls out of chair) Uhmmm . . . no,
they don't.
BS: Then they're based on Linux?
LS: No, they have a different OS altogether.
BS: Well I wish I'd known that. It wasn't on the spec sheet.
LS: Of course it was. Didn't you see all the stuff about
OS X?
BS: I thought it was a typo from someone trying to spell
"Socks."
- (crickets can be heard in the distance )
LS: Can you explain why it takes forty-three clicks to connect a
Windows machine to a Windows network and connect a printer - and only
eleven clicks on a Mac?
BS: More clicks. More is better. I don't see the problem.
LS: Exactly what, if you don't mind my asking, was your job prior to
heading this division of Gateway?
BS: I was junior vice president in charge of Cow paint.
LS: Cow paint?
BS: You know, the paint we use that leaves big spots behind. Like on
a cow. Duh!
LS: I see. Well let me wrap this up: Do you think this new campaign
is going to take market share away from Apple?
BS: I sure as heck hope so. God help us if we actually tried to
compete with a real computer maker like Dell. They'd eat us alive. I
figure, why not crush the little guys first?
LS: I see. That's all the time we have. Where can our readers reach
you?
BS: Are you nuts? I'm not giving out my phone number on the
Internet.
LS: I meant via email.
BS: Oh! Better use my work address, because my email at home is not
very good. My email is bs@cowpaint.com
LS: I'm sure you'll get a lot of mail.
