Keen eyed reader David Deckert sends in this gem: A company called
Bernina makes a
sewing machine called the Artista 200 that runs Windows and is used to
control the stitching for fancy designs. I checked out the link David
provided, and it's true - you can get a sewing machine with a CD-R and
a Web browser that goes to exactly one website. The sewing machine has
a modem.
I swear I am not making this up.
This link shows some videos of how to use the machine and
even sports quotations from Todd Warren, General Manager of the
Embedded and Appliance Platform Group for Microsoft.
Do you know what this means?
This isn't an anomaly! They're trying to (dramatic music) take
over the world, one appliance at a time!
The humor possibilities are staggering.
Some excerpts from the FAQ and troubleshooting sections are below.
Smart remarks are by David and I are included free (after mail-in
rebate).
1. How do I install the modem?
All of the drivers for the modem have been factory installed onto
the operating system of your Artista 200. When you slide the Bernina
Modem into the system's card slot and plug an active analog phone line
into the modem, it is installed. Before the modem can dial the
myartista Portal, you must input your dialing information into the
machine. Also include the dialing information for anyone else you know
who sews, so your sewing machine can solicit new customers for us
without your knowledge.
Page 169 in your Artista Instruction Manual gives you the steps
necessary for entering your dial up provider's information into the
Setup program. Remember to remove any previously inserted information
including dash lines by touching the back arrow on the upper right hand
side of the keyboard screen. (A good swift kick of the power supply
wouldn't hurt either.) Any information on the top bar of the keyboard
becomes part of your provider's information. We know you don't know
exactly what that means, so let's be clear about it. Information about
you that goes to us is goood. So verrry goood. It's precious. Send
more.
Contact your dial up provider for your exact user name and password.
Passwords are always case sensitive. Customer service will be delighted
to tell you your name and password any time you call. Ignore any sounds
in the background of the phone call such as crashing equipment,
telephone handsets banging on desktops, or laughter from adjacent
cubicles.
2. What security is afforded the Artista 200 user who logs onto the
myartista Portal via the Bernina Modem to download designs?
Bernina has taken all precautions to insure that viruses are never
associated with the myartista Portal. The company providing the server
uses several firewalls and updates their virus protection software
daily. The modem connection on the Artista 200 system will only access
the myartista Portal site so your chances of picking up a virus from
this site are as close to zero as humanly possible. There is no reason
to be concerned that of the tens of thousands of viruses available for
Windows, the three or four that manage to get through will actually
cause any problems.
Should you get a virus, Bernina is not responsible for the content
or length of messages which may subsequently be embroidered on your
clothing.
3. When I am embroidering I often get an out of memory error
message. What an I doing wrong (besides trying to sew using a machine
run by Windows?)
Have you centered your needle in the Embroidery Settings section of
Artista Set Up program? This is often a cause of out of memory errors
on desktop Windows machines which cannot sew.
You need to give your Artista 200E a reference point for the center
of the hoop. Page 163 in your Artista Instruction Manual provides
step-by-step directions for you to follow. Read the Friendly
Manual.
You will only need to set the reference position once unless you
Reset to Factory in the Setup program or update the operating system on
your Artista 200E. Updating the operating system happens every sixteen
days and is automatic. Be sure not to misplace the reference position
instructions. You might consider sewing them onto a shirt. Or maybe a
pillowcase.
4. I installed ActiveSync and the Designer 3.1 Service Pack but
when I select write to machine in my Artista Designer software I get an
hourglass for a few seconds and then it goes way. What have I done
wrong (besides not understanding the concept of an hourglass? )
Obviously you did do something wrong, since our machine is perfect.
When you installed your Designer 3.1 Service Pack did you wait for the
ADX instillation that follows the Service Pack distillation? If you
close the setup screen as soon as the Service Pack is distilled, you
are not completing the distillation. Reinstall the Designer 3.1 Service
Pack and then wait. The ADX install program sneaks in at the end, bites
you in an unmentionable place, and installs.
5. When I go into my Artista Designer and try to write something to
my Magic Box I get an error that says it is unable to access the
converter box. Why doesn't it connect?
You need to put thread in your CD-R drive for the Magic Box to work.
Lots of bright, blue thread. With no knots in it. Just cram it in,
until no more fits.
Remember to restart your computer after installing the update
patch.
6. Advanced features
When your sewing machine first boots up, it will ask you a series of
questions. Select "Enable advanced features" on the "Setup" screen, and
the sewing machine will connect to the nearest Internet grocer to your
home, and order food for you. Even better, it will select an amount of
food that will automatically adapt to the size clothes you are
creating. Large people will get more food and thin people less.
Adjusting the "calorie to clothes size parameter" in the "Preferences"
menu will allow you to have your sewing machine regulate your diet to
match the clothes you are able to make. By default, this information is
stored in our central database to serve you better. Don't forget to
register all of your family members and identify which clothing is for
which person as you create it.
All your stitches are belong to us.
Next week: Windows in a blender.
