REDMOND, WA - Investigators today revealed that the death of
Netscape and Internet Explorer for the Mac was part of a triple-suicide
attempt that left two browsers dead in the water and Internet Explorer
for Windows maimed.
"Apparently, the three got together over the course of several weeks
and just decided to end it all together," said Norm Chumsky, chief
investigator for the Redmond Special Crimes Against Software unit.
"They were all running on clock cycles," he stated during a press
conference held at the Doubletree Hotel in Redmond. "For the past
several weeks, all they'd had to eat was a steady diet of plug-ins,
patches, and links to helper apps," he continued. "No healthy
stand-alone program can survive on a diet like that without getting
clogged file paths that'll lead to an early deletion. They were
exhausted, malnourished, and perhaps abused. We are considering abuse
charges, especially after the last-minute upgrade Microsoft forced on
IE for Mac. It was the last straw."
The slide down the slippery slope to obsolescence apparently began
weeks ago as rumors spread that Netscape was going to be retired to
make way for Internet Explorer to be integrated as the default browser
for America Online installation CDs.
Netscape was depressed, say friends who knew the software well, and
looking for solace. Some say, the solace was found, but in the wrong
place - the very place where the last chapter of Netscape's life was
written, right here in Redmond, Washington.
The evening of June 12, after hours of consoling the depressed
software, Internet Explorer for Mac suffered a shock of its own when
press releases from an article to be published in
MacUser revealed that IE for Mac had been removed from future
development and the existing version placed on minimal life support for
the "foreseeable future," according to a spokesperson at the Long Term
Software Maintenance Facility here in Redmond.
Despite differences in the past, both software programs agreed to
meet with Internet Explorer for Windows the Monday evening after the
MacUser posting. At least they were all browsers, Netscape pointed
out.
"We do have things in common," said IE for Mac. That was when IE
Windows reminded the others that it was probably destined to be
integrated into the operating system, the very thing that led to a
string of lawsuits against Microsoft and the eventual demise of
Netscape.
Thinking the matter had been settled long ago, Netscape became
enraged, according to witnesses in the area.
"Netscape was, like, you know, just screaming and kicking the wall
and tossing plugins all over the apartment," said Opera, who was
visiting a retired friend, Mosaic, who lives in the apartment on the
floor below. "Eventually everyone was yelling, and the wall thumped a
couple of times, and then it was like real quiet."
Opera didn't call the cops, primarily because, "It wasn't any of my
business. Besides, I had places to go, sites to see."
Investigators arrived Thursday morning when IE for Mac didn't show
up for work. "He's always been very punctual," said iCab, who lives
near IE Mac.
What they discovered shocked all of them. "Netscape was shredded all
over the living room," according to Chumsky. "Someone had printed out
the source code - thousands and thousands of pages of it - and run it
through a shredder.
"It wasn't pretty. I've never seen anything like it in all my years
of software investigation."
IE Mac was mortally wounded with an infinite loop inserted into its
brain. "He just kept saying 'Game over, man! Game over!' over and
over," said Chumsky. "He was using the whiny pitched voice like that
guy in the Aliens movie."
IE Windows was functional, but just barely. It was IE Windows that
told investigators about the mutual suicide pact. They were to end it
all so people would not be able to browse at all, and then they'd be
appreciated, according to police records. IE Windows was going to
become infected with several viruses with virus protection turned
off.
The result was not death, but paralysis, according to medical
examiners. "IE Windows realized at the last second that there are other
browsers in the world, that someone would immediately step in to take
the place of the missing software, and their little suicide pact would
ultimately pass on with little notice outside of the computing world,"
said Minsk Marviny, coroner for the Artificial Intelligence office at
the Redmond police lab.
IE stopped accepting all cookies and managed to survive the suicide
attempt. But according to officials, it will need to be on permanent
life support and will essentially need to be integrated with an
operating system for the rest of its life.
"Kind of convenient, isn't it, having an excuse to integrate the
browser into the OS weeks earlier than planned," said Chomsky. Beyond
that, he refused to comment further, citing the need to keep secret the
exact plan of the investigation.
"This ain't no suicide pact," said Mozilla, Netscape's cousin.
"Netscape wouldna killed himself over nuthin', especially with that
[expletive deleted] IE [Windows] involved," he told reporters following
the press conference.
"I'm gonna do some investigatin' of my own and find the real
killers, and odds are I won't have to look far," he said before his
lawyer drew him from the hotel conference room. Police investigators
would not comment on the ongoing investigation other than to confirm
that by all accounts it was a suicide attempt.
"This is a real shock, but I can't say I'm surprised," said Safari,
noted for its faster page loading and simpler interface. "You can't
just keep on adding bloat like that and expect to live forever."
Safari was sampling tabs at the time and did not answer questions
about feature bloat in its own application.
