A very good day to all of you, whether you are an unfortunate person
sitting in front of one of the gazillion different models of office
Wintel machines that unloving employers thrust upon their helpless
staff, a merry housewife (or to be politically correct: houseperson)
happily browsing away on your new Flower Power iMac ("it's
soooo cute"), an inventive (or nerdy - please underline most
appropriate attribute) low-end 
Mac user
trying to read this on a clock chipped 128k Macintosh with MacWWW,
or the only network administrator on the whole wide web actually
running OS X server.
Today I want to focus on one of the most excruciatingly difficult
tasks you will ever have to perform in the United Kingdom. No, I don't
mean breaking into Buckingham Palace and have a late night chat with
the Queen (supposed to pretty easy, anyway) or getting vegetables which
aren't soggy and colourless in an English pub. I mean going into the
urban jungles that British towns and cities are and actually buying an
Apple Computer.
Trust me: it's easier than finding a open footpath in the
countryside than actually laying your hands on an iMac and say "I'll
have that one, please".
The first mistake that innocent wannabe first time Mac users often
make, is going into a British Shopping Mall or down the local high
street and enter a large computer retailer (choose any). Looking around
helplessly, tortured by loud Nu-Metal from one side and a Spice Girls
video from the other side, they will probably try to approach an acne
ridden 14 year old sales person who, after establishing the reason for
the unwanted intrusion of his six hour lunch break, will guide them to
a large shelf full of beige or bluish Wintel machines (insert brand
here). A conversation not unlikely to the following will start to
unfold:
"Ahem, excuse me, but didn't I ask you kindly to show me the Macs
you have in stock?"
"Whoa?"
"You know, iMacs, iBooks, Power Macs?"
"Whoa?"
"Apple Computer, you know?"
"You don't want them, mate. You want a real computer, mate."
"Excuse me?"
"You want a real computer with a 1.4 GHz Intel Pentium 4 and a
proper graphic card. Real computers, you know, mate?"
"WHAT??"
"Mate, these bonbon coloured girlie toys don't have any software to
work with, are excruciatingly slow at 400 MHz, and you can't run any
Microsoft programs on them and will never be able to take your work
home with you because they can't recognise PC-files. And they don't
have a floppy. You see mate?"
"Ah. I see. I'll have the PC then, thank you."
Similar conversations can be recorded all over the UK in those few
high-street outlets that actually stock Apple Hardware. The ignorance
is amazing, and numerous tales have been told on the Mac UK mailing list about whatever
happened to Auntie, Uncle, Brother, Girlfriend (insert close
relative/partner here) when one of them dared to venture into one of
these sad places.
The few dedicated Apple retailers unfortunately don't have the money
to pay prime location rents because they only earn 10 dollars with
every Mac they sell, so you'll be more likely to find them in dark
alleys where you wouldn't expect an honourable computer shop. The
average shopper who wants one these nice machines Jeff Goldblum
advertised last night on Channel 4 will, due to the lack of inside
knowledge and pure argumentative power, walk home with a machine that
in one year is already unusable due to the fact that the newest Windows
upgrade needs a configuration that's not achievable on his 1.4 GHz
motherboard.
What's the solution to the conundrum? A chain of Apple-owned retail
centers, maybe, where these beautiful machines are displayed in
sophisticated, well designed surroundings? Or maybe a better sales
margins for all these sad independent retailers, so they could actually
afford to move into an area of town with better chances of picking up a
customer?
As usual I don't know, but I am quite sure that mail order only will
not help the Apple brand to survive in the UK.
