Dear Sir,
Thank you for giving me an idea for an entertaining article. When it
is published, rest assured I will give you your share of the proceeds.
My response to your queries are embedded in your message below.
Sincerely,
Jeff Adkins
>Dear Sir,
>
>Iam a consultant operating in West Africa.
Being an American, I hope you understand there is a 97.5%
possibility that I won't have the faintest clue where Africa is, and a
40% chance I don't get the concept of "West."
>I represent
>a client who wishes to invest US$20 million overseas.
Won't that get the money wet?
>This money was made by his late father, a politician,
>in his capacity as a member of a defunct contract
>award commitee of the Ecowas(Economic community of
>west African states) oil industry.
If I were your client, I would invest in some capital letters
first.
>For this reason he cannot move the money in his name
>through normal banking channels.
Your previous statement does not logically infer the result you
state. Non sequitur. Your facts are uncoordinated. Please deposit
another twenty-five cents before continuing.
> I think the only way
>to succeed is to seek help from a foreigner.
I would think a rock band (and that would be Foreigner, for you
little kiddies out there) would have little interest in managing
financial investments in foreign countries. I could be wrong. It's
happened before.
> I have
>enough diplomatic contacts to fly the money in a
>diplomatic box to europe because the box will be moved
>under diplomatic cover.
Please repeat that in a German accent while smoking a thin cigar in
a long plastic holder. Squeeze a monocle under one eyebrow and use
makeup to give the appearance of Colonel Klink. Speaking of Colonel
Klink, why was he the only German in Hogan's Heroes who spoke
without a German accent? Is it because he secretly approved of Hogan's
plans all along? Is this a subtle hint like the way the good guys
always use Macs in the movies whereas the bad guys always use
Windows?
Please put your response in your diplomatic box.
> There will be no problems with customs at the Airport.
I should think there would be significant problems fitting customs
in an Airport. Customs is a great big office with lots of tables.
Airport is a wireless networking gizmo made by Apple. Were you trying
to say there would be no problem with an "Airport at the customs?"
>If you agree to assist me, we would send the box to
>that destination in your name, marked for your
>collection. A security company will clear the box
>through customs and take it to their office awaiting
>collection.
If I agree to help you, will you never, ever send me this email
again? Ever? Ever ever ever?
>All you have to do would be to claim the
>box and deposit the money in an International Bank
As opposed, of course, to an iNTERNATIONAL bANK.
>and then instruct the bank to wire the money to your
>account in your country.My client cannot do this on
>his own as any bank would suspect a Black man of
>owning such huge some of money.
Aha! now we come to the real issue. Your client is suffering from
the delusion that his consultant knows what he is doing!
>YOUR DUTY:
>
>1. You shall fly down to the country where the money
>is to be deposited and you shall proceed with my
>client to the security company to collect the money.
Didn't anyone ever tell you there is no up and down in space?
>2. You shall pay for your flight ticket to the country
>and also hotel accomodation. My client will not send
>you any money for this expenditure.
I got better terms than this when I won three rounds on Wheel of
Fortune.
>3. When you collect the box from the security company
you and my client shall proceed to a bank,
Do I collect $200 and pass GO?
> there you
>will deposit the money in your name
Stop. The rest of your message seems garbled.
>and ask the bank
>to wire it to your account in your country or
>elsewhere.
Elsewhere is good. I like elsewhere. I've been to elsewhere. Mr.
Alex, you're not elsewhere.
> Note that although this account shall be
>opened in your name, my client will have to be a
>co-signatory to the account, therefore you cannot
>operate this account without his consent.
What dowry do you bring to this relationship?
>4. You shall assist my client in investing his money.
I know a great dot-com which is sure to quadruple his investment.
Invest now, before it's too late.
>YOUR COMMISSION:
Colonel in the Mac Marines.
>1. Your commission shall be a down payment of 10% of
>the total sum ie US$2 million. you shall deduct this
>sum before investing the balance for my client.
10% of two million won't get my fat butt out of a chair to buy some
more Cheetos, pal. We need some more zeroes.
>2. For the first two years of the investment you shall
>be entitled to 10% of the after tax returns on
>investments. Thereafter the terms will be reviewed.
I give the terms one-half star out of four. This show's worse than
"The Langoliers."
>We shall commence this transaction
Commence! He said commence. Ah reckon ah'll commence to pounding
your head if I ever find you.
> immediately we
>receive the following information by my E-mail:
One more MisPlaced capiTal letter and I think my head's gonna
eXplode.
>alexan2@mail.com
>
>1. Your banker's name, address. telephone and fax
>numbers.
Unfortunately, I don't even know my doctor's name (I'm in an HMO),
let alone my banker's name. Looks like you are out of luck.
>2. The account number and name of would be
>beneficiary.
Isn't there a word missing there? Should it be "name of any" or
"name of the" or something? Anyone out there invested in enough grammar
to let us know?
>Reply me immediately
"Me."
> if you want to handle this
>assignment.
"Does this one count? How many points is it worth? When is it
due?"
> We want to round up this business fast
I'll bet you do.
> so
>the sooner you reply the better.
>
>I await your positive response.
Does this finger I'm holding up qualify?
>Regards,
>
>Mr. Alex Dickson.
>
>Reply to: alexan2@mail.com
Now, dear readers, send Mr. Dickson a copy of this article from your
public spam-attracting email account.
