Rodney O. Lain - 2000.06.21
First Reporter: Hey, Sherry, what do you think Jobs will
announce today? Their PR reps made a big fuss over it, saying that
it would be bigger than Windows 95.
Second Reporter: Who knows with Jobs? [laughing] He may
just want to stand there and obsess over that so-called "genie
effect" with OS X like he did last time. Oh, I know! He wants
to....
First Reporter: Shhh! Here he comes now!
Jobs walks up to the edge of the stage and gives a
characteristic smile that's a cross between a smirk and
cheese-eating grin.
"I want to thank all of you for coming today," he begins,
nodding towards the audience. "I am sure that you are wondering why
we invited you here."
He points his wireless remote at the blank screen behind him and
it lights up with the words "Mac OS X" emblazoned in what is now
known as "Aqua blue."
"For the last year, we've given you bits and pieces of what we
call our next-generation operating system. We said that we want to
rebuild the Mac OS from the ground up, not only by revamping the
surface of the OS, but also by breathing new breath into the Mac
OS's underpinnings."
He points and clicks at the screen behind him again, and the
words "The next generation" appears under the words "Mac OS X."
"Everything you've been told," Jobs says, "has been a lie."
He points and clicks once more, and "The next generation"
disappears, while the word "Not" appears after "Mac OS X."
A few of the reporters in the audience look surprised, while
others merely look on, knowing that Jobs always gives his public
announcements with a showman's panache.
"You see, OS X was a ruse,a ploy, a stratagem, a sleight-of-hand
to buy us time while we finished our true next-generation OS."
He points and clicks, switching the screen to a shot of the Mac
OS desktop. It appears to be a combination of OS 9 and Mac OS X's
Aqua interface. At first no notices the subtle differences between
what they are being shown and what they knew as OS X before this
day.
Jobs knows this and takes on a professorial tone as he
explains.
"You won't notice any differences, unless you are a true
Macintosh aficionado," he continues. "As you can see, the interface
elements we've called Aqua are still intact. But what you may not
notice is that we've integrated the elements that we introduced as
Mac OS 8 and 9: popup folders, contextual menus, Apple Data
Detectors, Sherlock 2.
"What will probably be most notable is that we've included some
things that are tried an true with Macintosh users: the Apple Menu,
for example [he aims a red-beamed pointer at the Aqua-blue Apple in
the leftmost part of the main menu]. We all know that people in the
Western World read from left to right, from top to bottom. So that
dictated that we leave the Apple Menu as is. But problems
remained...."
He points and clicks, and the screen changes to a picture of the
Earth.
"We live in a global village, a global economy. Isn't it about
time that we created products that reflected this? Imagine being in
a country, a culture, that doesn't read and write in the manner
that we do? We read from left to right, from top to bottom. But
suppose your native language is read and written
boustrophedontically...."
He clicks once more, and an animation begins on the screen which
shows text typing in a word processor in an unknown language. The
first line types from left to right; the next line types from right
to left. the lines alternate between left to right and right to
left, acting out the definition of a boustrophedontical
language.
"Once again, we live in a global village. We tend to forget this
when we write our programs and design our hardware. Sure, some
software is ported to other languages, but they don't always keep
the culture in mind. Just changing the words to, say, Japanese does
the trick. We have done the trick, though."
He clicks, and the screen flashes "Mac OS PC."
"Welcome to the future of computing. We have remade OS in your
image, regardless of your nationality or ethnic origin. The Mac OS
will redefine the term 'running native.'"
On the screen flashes different versions of the Mac OS running
under a variety of languages, each one changed to match the native
language in which it is intended.
"We Americans can't appreciate the nuances that we've
incorporated, so we've also created a few versions of the English
Mac OS. For example, in our Canadian version, instead of saying
'Open,' dialogue windows will now say 'Open, eh?' and so on.
"To show that we embrace the diversity of our American heritage,
we inaugurate OS PC with the first native American version: Mac OS
PC Ebonics."
The screen flashes "Mac OS PC Ebonics," with the words
"Whassup!!" appearing below it.
"For those of you who are early adopters, you can install the
code that inspired this version, created Ned Holbrook and Jorg
Brown, team leaders of our newly acquired Innovation Division,
formerly known as Mac Hack.
The Mac-Hacked beta version of Mac OS PC Ebonics can be downloaded
at ftp://ftp.machack.com/Hacks99/MacJive.sit.bin.
For our British users, the Mac OS PC Cockney will be released
simultaneously with the Ebonics version. Thank your for coming
today. We will have our media representatives come forward now to
field your questions.
"In the immortal words of Bartles and Jaymes: 'Thank you for
your support.'"
Note: thanks to "Lucky Boy," "Patrick Answer," Dawn, and the
other wage slaves at Power On Software
