Superintended Marion B. Defiant, director of the East Hogwash
School District declares pencils "obsolete"; requires use of
erasable ink on all future handwritten student work
by Broderick Sagacious
September 19, 2001 07.30 am ET
EAST
HOGWASH - PencilCentral, reporting for Low End Writing Utensil, has learned that
the East Hogwash School District has declared pencils "pencila non
grata" and despite the district's investment in hundreds and
thousands of the traditional marking devices, they are no longer
welcome in Hogwash.
"Pencils are passé," said the Superintended at a press
conference. "Erasable ink is the flow of the future. Besides," he
added, "90 percent of accountants use erasable ink, so schools
should, too. I am assured by our Writing Utensil support staff that
we will only need to hire an additional eight people to maintain
the district-sponsored ink supply, which we received at a discount
from E-Ink Manufacturing." No one from the W-T (Writing uTensil)
department was available for comment.
PencilCentral has learned that E-Ink manufacturing has a factory
in East Hogwash, and a grant from the company was given to the
district on the condition that the district eliminate all of its
traditional carbon-based marking devices, which teachers and
students both prefer.
"Erasable ink gets all over my clothes, and it's hecka gross,"
said Sandy Stampmore, a varsity cheerleader at the school. "I want
to use pencils again."
"We've used pencils since I started teaching, and I see no
reason to waste the district's money on switching," said one
employee who chose to remain nameless just in case the
Superintended reads this column. The staff member, 39 year old Fred
Smith of Drillmore Elementary, continued, saying "Now we'll have to
pay for technicians to refill our pens with genuine E-Inkô
brand ink, and what's more, there's no budget to pay for new
erasers. And believe me," he continued, adjusting his
identity-hiding mask, accidentally reveal his bearded face, "we're
going to need erasers."
The district has stockpiled over 34,000 writing utensils, which
will be phased out as they get worn to the nub, said the
superintended. The district plans to throw pens at random teenagers
in the high school until they become thoroughly embedded, then
continue the process on down through the middle school. They plan
to use duct tape on the smaller children, however.
"Those kids couldn't keep track of their heads if they weren't
attached," admitted the Superintended.
"The fact is, the Superintendent can't figure out how to use a
pencil," said Mary Ann Kreuger, another employee who wishes to
remain anonymous. "That's why he uses erasable ink: he's never had
to sharpen a pencil in his life. And besides, he's an accountant,
not a person-who-makes-marks-on-paper-in-schools."
Contacted by PencilCentral, the Superintendent had this to say:
"Ink good. Pencils bad. Need more grants."
This isn't the first time a Superintended of Public
Schoolmarming has declared pencils obsolete. Last year the district
in West Mayberry abandoned pencils despite impassioned please from
citizens such as Mary B. Posty-Toasty, who set up an entire Web
site designed to promote the benefits of pencils. In that district,
a more or less neutral WT staff turned against pencils because of
the fanatical devotion of Posty-Toasty and others to the venerable
writing tool.
"She was, like you know, actually sort of making marks on the
paper? You know? Uh, she was hecka writing with it," said one WT
staff member who begged us to print his name. "I couldn't believe
she would do that right out in front of the district office and
everything," the anonymous staffer continued. "We got hundreds of
pencil-written postcards in the mail," this faceless confessor
continued," and that pencil lead gets on everything. Besides," he
concluded, "lead is toxic."
Mary B. Posty-Toasty contributed to this article.
POST YOUR COMMENTS BELOW
I hate pencils and look on the web for articles about them just
so I can tell pencil users how stupid they are.....
[InkSpot34@nowhere.com]
Just another example of short-sighted inkmongers ....
[BigBill@yahoo.netorg]
Ink is just another right-handers consipiracy to put down
lefties ... [Southpaw@evil.com]
Pencils have had erasers since 1845...where was your stupid ink
then....[PencilPusher@lowbrow.comcom]
Pencils were invented in 1832 you idiot check out this link
http://www.pencils.co.uk/c_history.htm....[NubbinWriter34@here.I.am]
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