The Lite Side

Last Week in Tech News

Microsoft Loses, Pigs Fly, Hell Cools

Broderick Sagacious - 2002.01.14

Microsoft Stunned by Court Decision

Pigs leaping; Hades drops 10 degrees

SAN FRANCISCO: In a move which surprised the techno-illiterate, District Court Judge J. Frederick Motz rejected the proposed settlement drafted by Microsoft to end the private antitrust suits against the company. Motz said the thinly veiled market share grab was "Lame-o," and emphasized the point by holding this thumb and forefinger on his forehead in the shape of an L.

"But we always win," whined Microsoft's lead attorney, when informed of the decision. "It isn't faaaaair."

Oscar, our potbellied pig, has some unusual lumps on his shoulders this morning and has been practicing taking flying leaps off of our coffee table. And my sources from Way Way Down Under report that the temperature has cooled by a refreshing 10 degrees.

Why, do you ask, has Oscar been taken to this projectilian behavior? Because, for a brief moment, it appears that in the great saga of the Microsoft Antitrust Trials, common sense has prevailed.

Now the case isn't settled yet, so Oscar still needs to finish his aviation lessons, and nobody's yet drinking Mint Juleps in the company of those who have been Permanently Retired Below, shall we say. But we're hopeful.

It may be that Microsoft might actually be punished for being a monopoly.

Who woulda thunkit?

Apple Debuts 4 New Products,
Puts David Coursey into a Snit

First, at Macworld last week, Apple debuted a number of new products, which I'll try to describe for you. There was the new iMac, which has been variously described as a Desk Lamp, a logo for Pixar, "lump-stick-rectangle," and "My Aunt Louisa, the one with the wide butt and square head."

Also announced but overlooked in the brouhaha over the new design (which we like, by the way; <SUBLIMINAL>Send us a new iMac. Send us a new iMac. Send us a new iMac.</SUBLIMINAL>) was the introduction of the new Power Mac replacement, code-named "Kepler."

Seen by only a half-dozen attendees who hung around after a break in the keynote (which many apparently misinterpreted as the end), "Kepler" consists of each of the perfect geometric solids nested within each other and linked together with an ingenious system of hinges and joints to create an effect reminiscent of the giant useless spinning ball Jody Foster fell into in Contact.

According to Jonathan Ive, he presented each geometric solid to Steve Jobs in turn, and when he ran out (after seven attempts), Jobs reportedly said, "What the heck, just use all of them." The new design uses the new G5 processor, which reportedly runs "hot as Hades," according to Ive.

"That's why all the geometric solids are spinning in my design," he said. "The motion cools off the processor at the center. "

As to the other products introduced, Apple also introduced iPhoto But You Don't, a photo-editing application that works with every known camera in the universe but yours, and they did a 110% enlargement of their pictures of the iBook to trick everyone into thinking they had released one with a 14.1" screen.

Oh yeah, David Coursey's in a snit about something, but for the life of me I can't bring myself to care enough to comment on it. Something to do with sitting on the dock at San Francisco Bay, wasting time.

Consumer Electronics Show

Finally in tech news: There was some sort of electronics show in Las Vegas. I never made it past the slots in the airport to find out more.

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