Quicklinks: · Power Macs · 'Books · Early Macs · Week's Best Deals · Best Buys · OS Downloads

Star Trek: A Lost Episode

Author Unknown
2002.01.31

Picard: "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?"

Geordi: "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late twentieth-century computing technology."

Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.

Riker looks puzzled. "What the hell is Microsoft?"

Data turns to answer. "Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called Windows, through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate."

Picard: "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"

Data: "Yes, Captain. But when Windows detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an "upgrade." The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions."

Picard: "Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable geometric shape' idea."

. . . 15 Minutes Later . . .

Data: "Captain, we have successfully installed Windows in the Borg's command unit. As expected, it immediately consumed 85% of all available resources. However, we have not received any confirmation of the expected upgrade."

Geordi: "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity, but we still have no indication of an upgrade to compensate for their increase."

Picard: "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is something we have missed."

Data: "Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the upgrade. Apparently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards."

Riker: "Captain, we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F."

Geordi, excited. "Wait, Captain! Their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0%!"

Picard: "Data, what does your scanners show?"

Data, studying displays. "Apparently the Borg have found the internal Windows module named Solitaire, and it has used up all available CPU capacity."

Picard: "Let's wait and see how long this Solitaire can reduce their functionality."

. . . Two Hours Pass . . .

Riker: "Geordi, what is the status of the Borg?"

Geordi: "As expected, the Borg are attempting to reengineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources, I have set up our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more Windows modules from something called the Microsoft Fun-pack."

Picard: "How much time will that buy us?"

Data: "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time span of six more hours."

Geordi: "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."

Picard: "Identify."

Data: "It appears to have markings very similar to the Microsoft logo..."

Over the speakers: "This is Admiral Bill Gates of the Microsoft flagship Monopoly. We have positive confirmation of unregistered software in this sector. Surrender all assets, and we can avoid any trouble. You have 10 seconds to comply."

Data: "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid-shaped objects."

Picard: "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft!"

Riker: "My God, captain! Those are human beings floating straight toward the Borg ship - with no life support suits! How can they survive the tortures of deep space?"

Data: "I don't believe that those are humans, sir. If you will look closer, I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doeskin leather briefcases and wearing Armani suits."

Riker and Picard, together - horrified: "Lawyers!!"

Geordi: "It can't be. All the lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."

Data: "True, but apparently some survived."

Riker: "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers."

Data: "I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as red tape. It often proves fatal."

Riker: "They're tearing the Borg to pieces!"

Picard: "Turn the monitors off, Data, I can't bear to watch. Even the Borg don't deserve such a gruesome death!"

Recent Lite Sides

• What if Apple thought like a PC company?, 11.01. Apple has innovated and blazed its own trail. But what if it had followed the path taken by the PC copycats?
• How Microsoft can turn Vista lemons into lemonade, 10.22. How Microsoft could profit by no longer allowing manufacturers to sell new PCs with Windows XP installed.
• iPods that never passed beta or focus groups, 09.13. "What most Apple fans don't realize is that there were a few iPod variants that never made it out of beta testing and the focus group stage."
• Pigs fly, snow in Death Valley, and Dvorak uses a Mac, 08.03. What has the world come to when John Dvorak, founding member of the Axis of Macevil, walks into the temple of All Things Macintosh?
• More in the The Lite Side index.

Links for the Day

• Mac of the Day: PowerBook 2400c, May 1997 - This small-footprint PowerBook was created by IBM for the Japanese market.
• List of the Day: Apple TV List The Apple TV List is a forum to discuss the Apple TV.
  
• October 14 in LEM history: 99 : 6 things I hate about OS 9 - Mac connectivity - Simplicity is key - 02: RAM Disks - 03: What to keep when your Mac dies - 05: History of the iPod - eMac discontinued

Recent Content on Low End Mac

• Death of the iPod 'Way Off in the Future', Tim Nash, Taking Back the Market, 10.14. Someday Apple will decide that the iPod is no longer profitable and discontinue it, "but that day looks to be way off in the future."
• Will Apple's Rumored $800 Notebook Be a Netbook?, Charles W. Moore, 'Book Value, 10.13. Netbooks are hot, and with the economy in turmoil, Apple needs to offer a netbook for the OS X crowd.
• Best Titanium PowerBook G4 Deals, Low End Mac Deals, 10.13. Used 667 MHz Combo, $480; 867 MHz, $530; 1 GHz, $590; SuperDrive, $900.
• Best Classic Mac OS Deals, Low End Mac Deals, 10.13. System 6, $10; 7.1, $12; 7.5.1, $4; Mac OS 7.6, $13; 8.0, $13; 8.1, $48; 8.5, $25; 8.6, $20; 9.0, $20; 9.2.2, $20; more.
• Best Xserve Deals, Low End Mac Deals, 10.13. Used G4/1 GHz, $999; G5/2 GHz, $1,499; new 2.0 4-core Xeon, $1,900; refurb 3.0 4-core, $2,299; 2.8 GHz, $2,599; 3.0 8-core, $3,499; 3.2, $3,699.
• nVidia Inside Next MacBook?, Time for a Mac Netbook, Asus Launched MacBook Air Killer, and More, The 'Book Review, 10.10. Also photo reveals more about MacBook Pro, comparing 16:9 and 16:10 displays, Apple settles suit over faulty iBook and PowerBook adapters, bargain 'Books from $150 to $2,699, and more.
• Economic Crunch May Slow Mac Sales, a Recycled Cube, ToCA Race Driver 3 for Mac, and More, Mac News Review, 10.10. Also don't buy RAM from Apple, customize your Mac's appearance, MacTribe expanding into print, My Apple Space social networking, and more.
• TruePower Battery Can Run WallStreet PowerBook Past the 5 Hour Mark, Tommy Thomas, Welcome to Macintosh, 10.10. If you have a rugged old PowerBook but its battery is losing capacity, TruePower can give you plenty of time in the field.
• 30% of iPhone 3G Buyers Switched Carriers, EU Battery Rule May Force iPhone Redesign, and More, iNews Review, 10.10. Also iPhone 3G greatest consumer electronics device ever, track presidential polls on your iPhone, Talking English Dictionary, waterproof armbands, several new iPhone apps, and more.
• Best Mac Pro Deals, Low End Mac Deals, 10.10. Used 2.66 GHz 4-core, $1,799; new, $1,949 after rebate; 2.8 4-core, $2,099 shipped; 8-core, $2,599 shipped; 3.0 $3,399 shipped; 3.2, $4,099 shipped.
• Best PowerBook G3 Deals, Low End Mac Deals, 10.10. Used 14" WallStreet G3/266 MHz, $90; Lombard G3/400 MHz, $150; Pismo G3/400 MHz, $300; 500 MHz, $350.
• Best Time Capsule and AirPort Deals, Low End Mac Deals, 10.10. Refurb 500 GB Time Capsule, $249; new, $294; refurb 1 TB, $419; new, $462; AirPort Extreme Card, $39; Base Station, $159; Express, $60.
• More links in our archive.

<go to the Lite Side index>

Support LEM

Affiliates

The Apple Store
.mac
iTunes Store
Club Mac
MacMall
MacResQ
ExperCom
eBay
Amazon.com
PayPal
PCMall
PC Zone
Crucial Memory

Our advertising is handled by BackBeat Media. For detailed price quotes and advertising information, please contactat BackBeat Media (646-546-5194). This number is for advertising only.

Entire Low End Mac website copyright ©1997-2008 by Cobweb Publishing, Inc., unless otherwise noted. All rights reserved. Advice presented in good faith, but what works for one may not work for all. Please report errors to .
  LINKS: We allow and encourage links to any public page as long as the linked page does not appear within a frame that prevents bookmarking it.
  Access our RSS news feed at http://lowendmac.com/feed.xml.
  Email may be published at our discretion; email addresses will not be published without permission, and we will encrypt them in hopes of avoiding spammers. If you prefer your message not be published, mark it "not for publication." Letters may be edited for length, context, and to match house style.
  PRIVACY: We don't collect personal information unless you explicitly provide it. For more details, see our Terms of Use.
  Low End Mac is an independent publication and has not been authorized, sponsored, or otherwise approved by Apple Inc. Apple, the Apple logo, Macintosh, iBook, iMac, eMac, iPod, iPhone, PowerBook, MacBook, MagSafe, Mac Pro, Apple TV, and AirPort are registered trademarks of Apple Inc. Additional company and product names may be trademarks or registered trademarks and are hereby acknowledged.