Picard: "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at
finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to
access their command pathways?"
Geordi: "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching
through our archives on late twentieth-century computing
technology."
Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.
Riker looks puzzled. "What the hell is Microsoft?"
Data turns to answer. "Allow me to explain. We will send this
program, for some reason called Windows, through the Borg command
pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming
system resources at an unstoppable rate."
Picard: "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter
their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"
Data: "Yes, Captain. But when Windows detects this, it creates a new
version of itself known as an "upgrade." The use of resources increases
exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt
quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be
taken over and none will be available for their normal operational
functions."
Picard: "Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable
geometric shape' idea."
. . . 15 Minutes Later . . .
Data: "Captain, we have successfully installed Windows in the Borg's
command unit. As expected, it immediately consumed 85% of all available
resources. However, we have not received any confirmation of the
expected upgrade."
Geordi: "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and
CPU capacity, but we still have no indication of an upgrade to
compensate for their increase."
Picard: "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there
is something we have missed."
Data: "Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the
upgrade. Apparently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by
not sending in their registration cards."
Riker: "Captain, we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin
emergency escape sequence 3F."
Geordi, excited. "Wait, Captain! Their CPU capacity has suddenly
dropped to 0%!"
Picard: "Data, what does your scanners show?"
Data, studying displays. "Apparently the Borg have found the
internal Windows module named Solitaire, and it has used up all
available CPU capacity."
Picard: "Let's wait and see how long this Solitaire can reduce their
functionality."
. . . Two Hours Pass . . .
Riker: "Geordi, what is the status of the Borg?"
Geordi: "As expected, the Borg are attempting to reengineer to
compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they
successfully increase resources, I have set up our closest deep space
monitor beacon to transmit more Windows modules from something called
the Microsoft Fun-pack."
Picard: "How much time will that buy us?"
Data: "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest
time span of six more hours."
Geordi: "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."
Picard: "Identify."
Data: "It appears to have markings very similar to the Microsoft
logo..."
Over the speakers: "This is Admiral Bill Gates of the Microsoft
flagship Monopoly. We have positive confirmation of unregistered
software in this sector. Surrender all assets, and we can avoid any
trouble. You have 10 seconds to comply."
Data: "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and
released thousands of humanoid-shaped objects."
Picard: "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft!"
Riker: "My God, captain! Those are human beings floating straight
toward the Borg ship - with no life support suits! How can they survive
the tortures of deep space?"
Data: "I don't believe that those are humans, sir. If you will look
closer, I believe you will see that they are carrying something
recognized by twenty-first century man as doeskin leather briefcases
and wearing Armani suits."
Riker and Picard, together - horrified: "Lawyers!!"
Geordi: "It can't be. All the lawyers were rounded up and sent
hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."
Data: "True, but apparently some survived."
Riker: "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with
all types of papers."
Data: "I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as red tape. It
often proves fatal."
Riker: "They're tearing the Borg to pieces!"
Picard: "Turn the monitors off, Data, I can't bear to watch. Even
the Borg don't deserve such a gruesome death!"
