SOMEWHERE OFF THE COAST OF WASHINGTON STATE: Following an extraordinary ruling by
a Seattle judge, Microsoft has decided to head off future claims on
other variants of the *indows trademark by registering every other
consonant in the alphabet.
"Apple Computer has demonstrated that a command of the subset of the
alphabet is a powerful marketing tool," said Stephanie Brockmeister,
Microsoft's Assistant Coordinator of Trademarks. "The introduction of
the new eMac, iMac and other vowel-based
computers) led us to the natural conclusion that other forms of
Windows starting with the other unclaimed letters of the alphabet are
fair intellectual property waiting to be claimed."
Consequently, according to Brockmeister, the Redmond, Washington
based software giant is going to use consonant-based Windows trademarks
to label the myriad stripped down versions of Windows that the software
giant must generate to satisfy the terms of its antitrust suit with
nine states, leftover from the original federal and multi-state suit
which concluded that Windows was, in fact, an illegal monopoly and must
be broken up into components.
Although complete plans were not available at press time,
Brockmeister distributed a list of potential *indows variants using
every consonant in the alphabet (except L, of course) and what the
company plans to do with them.
- Bindows: This version of Windows works only in binary mode
for über-geeks. There aren't any windows, per se, just binary
digits on the screen. "It'll look like War
Games, during the part of the movie where the game's about to
crash," said Brockmeister.
- Cindows: This version will be marketed exclusively in
Cincinnati.
- Dindows: This version will come with a Dolby surround-sound
speaker set and no volume control.
- Findows: Sold only in Finland.
- Gindows: Licenses include a free certificate for the local
BeerWineGin emporium.
- Hindows: Operates with a special large two button mouse
which you sit upon. (Hint: "Hind" rhymes with "kind")
- Jindows: Boot this up and your data disappears, just like
magic.
- Kindows: Legal to give copies to your relatives.
- Mindows: Free to residents of Ork.
- Nindows: Special version has all black screen with all black
letters and comes with complimentary set of ninja movies.
- Pindows: Stripped down version that runs on a chip that fits
on a head of a pin. How many copies of Windows can dance on the head of
a pin?
- Qindows (possibly Quindows): Shareware version released in
China to help combat piracy.
- Rindows: Special Scooby Doo
version of Windows. (ironically, "Windows" doesn't translate to
"Rindows.")
- Sindows: Only runs screen savers you really shouldn't let
anyone else see what's on your screen.
- Tindows: Also comes with complimentary Liondows and
Scarecrowdows.
- Vindows: We do a little bowling, and we use a little
Vindows. (10 points if you can guess what that refers to.)
- Xindows: Formal name, which is abbreviated X-box.
- Yindows: Packaged with Yangdows.
- Zindows: I don't know . . . what do you think's in
those?
Also, the company is looking into dipthong-based marketing, as
in:
- Spindows: Used for speechwriting in political offices.
- Schmindows: Sold only in New York.
- Trinidows and Tobagoes: For isolated island-based
computing.
- Blindows: Braille version for blind users,
- Skindows: Registration for Passport is a barcode tattooed
for free on your forehead.
With a concerted effort and a few user-based contests, the company
thinks it can name all 9 million Windows variants it is going to have
to produce to settle the pending litigation in state jurisdictions.
Currently, Microsoft is investigating alphabets other than English
for foreign trademark registration.
