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The Lite Side

Apple-Microsoft Cold War Turns Hot

- 2003.03.11

What's fair for a gander is fair for a goose, my dear departed mother used to say. Steve and Bill certainly think so. Consider:

OH, THE HUMANITY, WHERE WILL IT END?

We're not sure, but we have some random unsubstantiated speculation courtesy of the Lite Side's

The OS Cold Wars Get Hot Again

In the coming weeks, you're likely to see the alternating purchasing of companies take an ugly turn. Here are some predictions...

Smack! Apple buys Wacom and ends support for Windows drivers.

Pow! Microsoft buys Epson and kills photo printer support for OS X,

Biff! Apple leverages Logitech into promising to release OS X drivers first for every product they make, including webcams.

Zow! Microsoft gets the state of Washington to outlaw all variants of Unix for state purchases.

Blam! Apple persuades the Department of Homeland Security to invest in Macs for 20% of its workstations "just in case the terrorists can read."

Splat! Microsoft buys every Mac for sale in Germany and removes Germany from Apple's balance sheet by returning every purchased machine to the Apple Store in Emeryville, complaining of "loud fans."

Florp! Apple ships OS X Server 10.2.5, which uploads every known macro virus and worm in existence to every Windows client who connects to a website hosted by OS X Server.

Zowie! Microsoft buys the Mac shop across the street from Apple and begins selling eMachines below cost.

Plitch! Apple retorts by buying Lindows and sending a Lindows machine to every IT department that purchases any Apple product. For free.

Fram! Microsoft buys Filemaker and renames it "Access Lite."

Sportch! Apple buys Bungie and makes them cool again.

Kratz! Bill buys Pixar and makes a crappy movie everyone is required to see in order to reactivate Windows XP.

Ka-Blammm! Steve buys Bill's gardener off and makes him plant kudzu at Bill's mansion.

Blooey! Bill hires painters to paint Steve's jet so it looks like it belongs to Austin Powers.

Shazbot! Steve challenges Bill to a nationally televised debate.

Frak! Bill declares Steve's offer as "not serious" and asks the Defense Department to bomb 1 Infinite Loop.

Sproing! Steve hires the Dell Doper to do a Switch ad.

Frazzle! Bill posts Steve's email address in a troll at Slashdot.

Shazam! Steve hints at unnatural things on Bill's website in a posting at Fark.com.

Bap! Bill slaps Steve and mispells some words describing it.

Zonk! Steve nails Bill with a Dell to the head.

Clang! Bill sets fire to Northern California in an attempt to trap Steve.

Schnozz! Steve uses a crop duster to sprinkle the Californium from 70,000 smoke detectors over Redmond, Washington, rendering it uninhabitable.

Nortch! Bill buys North Korea and nukes Apple's manufacturing facilities in South Korea.

Chad! Steve threatens to detonate a cobalt bomb.

Let's just stop this silliness now, before it's too late. Whaddaya say, fellas?

This production has been supported by a generous grant from the Justice League.

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